开始了 Here we go.
一 二... One, two...
你们想听故事吗 You guys wanna story?
我这儿有个故事 很精彩的故事 Yeah, I got a story. A fuckin' doozy.
你要公布你的脸书账号吗？ Is this the one where you say you own Facebook?
开头是这样的 Starts like this.
第七天 上帝休息了 On the seventh day, God rested.
-我爱上帝 -他是我最爱的神 - I love God. - He's my favorite god.
恩 但是他是神 所以他知道 Yeah, but he's God, so he knew
忙碌六天之后 必须休息一下 that if after six days of crazy you gotta rest
-周日休息 对吧？ -要我我就天天休息 - on Sunday, right? - I'd rest every day.
但那些可怜的蠢蛋呢 But what about those poor bastards
那些劳累六天之后 going through six days of crazy,
却不知道第七天到底是休息日 not knowing that the seventh day is gonna be a day of rest,
还是工作日的蠢蛋呢 or just another day at the shit store?
我们应该敬这些蠢蛋一杯 Those are the poor bastards we should toast.
敬狗屎工作日 To the shit store!
谁知道呢 也许会有几个大天使下凡来 Who knows, maybe a couple of angels come along
给他指引正确的方向吧 and nudge him in the right direction.
但我有点偏题了 But I'm getting ahead of myself.
这是关于弗兰克和南希·提加藤的故事 This is the story of Frank and Nancy Teagarten.
他们的休息日 Their seven days started on the morning
《醉酒夫妻》
从将他们女儿送到大学的早晨开始 they dropped their daughter off to college.
哇哦 Wow.
仿佛就在昨天 我还在推你坐秋千 Seems just like yesterday I was pushing you on the swings
在加德纳公园 in Gardner Park.
是啊Yeah.
现在 你转眼就上了大学 And now, look at our college girl,
正努力变成一名兽医 on her way to becoming a veterinarian.
宝贝 我们一个电话就到 Now, baby. We're just a phone call away,
外加5个小时车程或者50分钟航程 five-hour car ride away, 50-minute plane ride away.
我们一直都在 不管你需要什么 You know we're there for you, anything you need.
打个电话就好 You have our numbers.
嗯 我已经记下了你们的号码 Yes, I practically have them memorized.
-很好 -但是不要 - Good. - But, don't call
在十点之后打电话来 我们可能已经睡了 after 10:00 p.m. 'cause we'll probably be asleep.
开玩笑的 你知道我开玩笑的对吧 That was a joke. You know that was a joke, right?
我喜欢你的笑话 爸爸 I love your jokes, Daddy.
-喜欢这张床吗？ -喜欢 - Do you like your bed? - Yeah.
我们应该给她买个更好的床垫 We should have gotten her a better mattress.
为什么我们之前没想到？ How come we didn't think of that?
你知道这房间需要什么吗 需要一把美迪高锁 You know what this room needs, is a Medeco lock.
美迪高锁特安全 Medeco makes a very sturdy lock.
-嗯 -这男女合住的宿舍 - Yeah. - And what's with this
是怎么回事 你为什么要住这儿 co-ed dorm? Why are we doing that?
我们为什么会同意她住这样的宿舍 谁的鬼主意？ She's in a co-ed dorm, whose idea was that?
真是大错特错 That's wrong.
我好爱你们 I love you guys so much.
谢谢你们 Thank you.
谢谢你们为我做的一切 Thank you for everything.
第一天
-会没事的 -哪个方面？ - It's gonna be okay. - Which part?
一切都会没事的 我保证 All of it. I promise.
有什么问题吗？ Can I help you?
-不好意思 我得把它拖走 -该死 - Sorry, guys. Gotta hook it up. - Shit!
什么 现在吗？ What, now?
兄弟 Hey, man.
我只是在做分内之事 好吗 I'm just doing my job, all right?
我们 额... We, uh...
刚把女儿送到大学 we just dropped our daughter off at college,
最近忙到不可开交 and we've been really, really busy,
过几天我就把款打给你们 and I'll send a payment in a few days.
听着 要收你车的不是我 是沃尔沃 Look, it's not me, it's Volvo, okay?
他们对拖欠付款的事是认真的 好吗 They don't fuck around when it comes to a lease, okay?
再给我几天时间 I just need a little more time.
这是有原因的 There... there is a backstory here.
老铁啊 人们总是有原因 Always is, brother. Always is.
你要听吗？ Would you like to hear it?
行啊 说说看 All right, shoot.
我开办了一家医药公司 I started a medical company.
倾尽心血 推动医疗创新 Put everything we had into it, making a medical innovation
延长了人类寿命 that's been adding years to people's lives.
我们赌上了一切 保持信念 We rolled the dice hard, but we believed in it.
结果出了问题... Then there was a problem.
问题不大 但对于新闻报道来说足够了 Small, but enough for some news stories.
于是人们开始说我们“颇具争议” They started calling us "controversial,"
这在业内来说是最难听的话 which is the toughest word in our business,
从那以后... and it's been...
坏事接踵而来 bad dominoes ever since.
但是 我们的女儿对此并不知情 Now, our daughter doesn't know at all about this.
我们一直撑着直到她上大学 We've been holding it together until she went off to college,
现在我们也要一直撑着 and now we're gonna hold it together
直到我们东山再起 until we get back on our feet.
你是做什么的？ What do you make?
-什么 你是问收入吗？ -产品 - What, salary? - Product.
适用于经股动脉移植手术的人工心脏瓣膜 Artificial heart valves designed for transfemoral placement,
-也就是... -双腿动脉 - which means... - Dual leg artery.
我知道 I know.
你知道我以前是干什么的吗 You know what I used to do before this repo shit?
-护理人员 -噢？ - Paramedic. - Oh?
对啊 人们以前看到我来就开心 Yeah. People used to be glad to see me show up.
昨天 我不得不从一辆雷克萨斯后座 Yesterday, I had to take three child seats
拖出三个儿童座椅 out of the back of a Lexus,
把它们放在草坪上 lay them out on their lawn,
搞得好像我在布置 like I was setting up for some
什么儿童音乐会 goddamn baby Lollapalooza concert,
摇摆家族音乐会之类的 The Wiggles or some shit.
-记得他们吗？ -不记得 - Remember them? - No.
他们的“超超好吃水果沙拉”呢 听过吗 Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.
我小孩喜欢 I got kids.
真是悲催 It was sad.
该死 行吧 听着 Shit. Okay, look.
我就告诉沃尔沃的人说你没回来 I'll tell 'em you weren't here.
但我最多也就能帮你争取几天 懂吗 But the most I can get you is days, not weeks. All right?
如果我是你 So, if I were you,
我会想个办法弄点钱 I'd find a way to put some loot in my suit.
倒卖点可卡因啥的 不然我还是会回来的 Sell some crack, or I'll be back!
-谢谢 -谢谢 - Thank you. - Thank you!
终于能休息会儿了 Finally a break.
第二天
那个 额... What about the, uh,
小房里的灯呢？ lamp in the den?
坏了 It's broken.
所以我们要 额 So, we sell it, uh,
就这么卖掉还是修好再说 as is, or we fix it?
弗兰克 我们从不修东西 我们只会弄坏东西 We don't fix things, Frank, we only ruin them...
你们好 Hi guys.
-在搞庭院大甩卖吗 -并没有 伯特 - Having a yard sale? - Uh, no, Bert.
客厅堆不下吐出来了 Our living room puked all over our yard.
-什么？ -拜 - What? - Bye.
看呐 弗兰克 Oh, look, Frank.
价值2000美金的铂富意式浓缩咖啡机 A 2,000-dollar Breville Oracle espresso machine.
而我们当时非得买啊 And we just had to have it.
但从没拿出来用过 But, we never even took it out of the damn box.
该庆幸这东西还在盒子里 Just be happy that the thing is still in the box,
价值2000美金呐 拿八分之一出来 it's worth 2,000 dollars, one-eighth of that is,
就可以付车的分期了 it's a... it's a car payment.
我们为什么要买这些东西？ Why did we get all this stuff?
这 这 这 到处都是 Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere,
我却连头发 and I can't even afford to get my roots done
或者比基尼线脱毛都做不起 or get a bikini wax.
伙计们 你们是在搞庭院甩卖吗？ Hey, guys! You're having a yard sale?
嗨 詹森 Hi, Jason.
没有 詹森 我们房子进海啸了 No, Jason, our house got hit by a tidal wave.
只有我们的进了 Just ours.
自然反常现象 Uh. It's a freak of nature.
好吧 我很高兴只是你们的进了 Well, I'm glad it was yours.
因为盐水会腐蚀 'Cause, salt water, it's like kryptonite
轮椅上的氪星石 for the wheelchair.
詹森 你是在讲什么残疾人笑话吗？ Jason, are you making a handicap joke?
对不起 我以为... I'm sorry, I thought...
因为... 'Cause...
我才是坐在轮... 额 瑞秋打电话来了 I'm the one in the... Uh, Rachel called me.
听起来她过得挺好 It sounds like she made it off fine.
所以 你俩是想 So, the two of you were trying to make
搞异地恋吗？ the long-distance thing work?
那可不容易啊 詹森 她是个很有野心的人 The odds are against it, Jason, and she's ambitious
而你却住在家里 and you live at home.
-弗兰克 -嗯？ - Frank? - Yes?
别放在心上 詹森 Don't pay any attention to him, Jason.
他喝高了 He's been drinking.
我要去上班了 那... Well, I'd better be off to work, so...
詹森 你是像超人一样 Hey, Jason, do you wear your Staples uniform
下面穿着史泰博制服吗？ under your clothes like Superman,
还是你会回到你妈妈家换衣服 or do you go home and change at your mom's,
毕竟你和你妈住在一起 where you live, with your mom?
听不懂你们的西班牙语悄悄话 Can't understand the, the whispered Spanish.
提加藤先生 我很乐意和你搞好关系 Mr. Teagarten, I'd really like to get along with you,
即使我和瑞秋最后 even if Rachel and I are eventually just friends,
只是朋友 nothing more,
因为... 我觉得你们人不错 'cause I... I think you guys are amazing people.
谢谢 詹森 Thank you, Jason.
-祝你一天愉快 -嗯 - Have a nice day. - Yeah.
开车愉快 Enjoy the ride.
你说这话是因为轮椅吗 It's like, 'cause of the wheelchair.
这... That's...
祝你们愉快 Have a nice one.
奈杰尔 伦敦怎么样啊？ Nigel, how's it going over there in London, huh?
还是在开倒车吗？ Are they still driving backwards?
你在说什么？ What are you talking about?
你懂得 You know what I mean.
小路 You know, sideways,
汽车... the cars...
街道 the street?
你是在喝酒吗？ Have you been drinking?
太搞笑了 Oh, that's hilarious.
真的 Seriously.
听我说 我还要旅行 Listen to me, I am gonna be traveling
一段时间 for a while, all right?
我要去尼泊尔 I'm gonna be gone to Nepal,
大概待4个月 I'll be gone for about four months,
到时候会失联 I'll be off the grid.
真奇怪 听着 奈杰尔 Oh, that's weird. Hey, listen, Nigel,
趁你还没失联 while I have you on the phone,
我觉得我是时候找你要更多报酬了 I think I need to ask you for more money...
看房子的 to watch the house.
因为我差不多一周三天都在守着 'Cause I'm over there like three days a week.
你在说什么？ What are you talking about?
看我的房子没什么难的吧 It's not that hard to watch my house.
我就住你隔壁啊 I live right next door to you.
我本来可以随便在街上找个小孩 I should... I can get the kid down the street
免费帮我看家 to do it for free,
让他待在家里给他蹭有线电视 just so he can go in and watch cable.
天呐 Jesus.
钱的事他怎么说 What did he say about more money?
他不买账 I don't think he's into it.
我要去奈杰尔家一下 I'm going to Nigel's for a minute.
不行 No.
你好 我是弗兰克 Hello, this is Frank.
噢 嗨 Oh, hi. Uh...
我马上付你们钱 Yes, I am going to pay you soon.
额 不知道什么时候 Uh, no, I don't know when,
但是你们的信用卡对我来非常重要 所以... but your credit card is very important to me, so I...
是的 我知道 但是... Oh, yes, I know that, but...
我的确想配合你们 这样如何？ Well, I do wanna work with you, so how about this?
我把信用卡寄过去 I'll send you the credit card,
然后你把它塞到屁眼里 and you just shove it up your fucking ass.
行吗？ Does that work?
可以 Yes.
可以 可以 Yes. Yes.
绝对不行 Absolutely not.
这可是拉度酒庄的酒 It's a Chateau Latour.
800美金呢 It's worth 800 dollars.
你疯了吗？ Have you lost your mind?
等等 Wait a minute.
你啥时候开始抽烟的 Since when did you start smoking?
刚刚 Just now.
真是时候 Great timing.
买不起了你想抽了 Just when we can't afford it.
奈杰尔有上千瓶酒 Nigel has hundreds of bottles of wine.
他不需要更多酒了 He doesn't need more wine.
他需要被打脸 但绝不需要更多酒 He needs a punch in the face, but not more wine.
你能不能讲点道理 Would you please have some decency?
我们应该看好房子里的财产 You're supposed to be looking after his property,
而不是把它像旧雪佛兰一样拆了 not parting it out like an old Chevy.
-什么？ -那接下来呢？ - What? - I mean, what's next?
你要把它放到克雷格列表网站上租出去吗？ You gonna put an... an ad on Craigslist and rent it out?
出租他的房子？ Rent out his house?
出租奈杰尔的房子？ 在克雷格列表上？ Rent out Nigel's house? On Craigslist?
疯了 That's insane.
别转移话题 Stop changing the subject.
把这瓶酒放回去 Put that bottle of wine back.
立刻 Right now.
真可耻 弗兰克 Shame on you, Frank!
我喜欢这张唱片 I love this album.
现在它们还叫唱片吗？ Are they still called albums?
唱片.. Albums...
CD D D... C, D, D, D.
你知道那对菲律宾人吗？ You know the Filipinos?
鲍勃和特蕾莎 Bob and Teresa?
菲律宾来的 From the Philippines.
他们曾在去打仗前 They used to strap coca tree bark to their bodies
把可卡因树皮绑在身上 before they went to battle.
里面的可卡因会渗到他们血液里 The coca then, would leech into their bloodstream,
然后他们就会变得兴奋 and get them amped up
帮他们克服战争的恐惧 to help them overcome the fear of war.
弗兰克 我们现在就处于战争中 Frank, we're at war.
但我觉得我们搞不到树皮 I don't think we can get our hands on that kind of bark.
伏特加喝完了 We ran out of vodka.
不知道瑞秋在大学里会听些什么 I wonder what Rachel will listen to in college.
什么样的音乐 What music will...
会把她带回小时候 transport her back to her youth,
回到那个大好人生还等着她的时候 back to a time when her whole life was in front of her.
我不知道 I don't know.
我只知道伏特加没了我很伤心 I only know I'm sad about that vodka.
去他丫的 Fuck it.
拉度 我来了 Latour, baby!
该来的总是要来的 Whatever happens probably will.
-我们进去喝吧 -好 - Let's finish it inside. - Yeah.
走吧 Yeah.
明天会更好 Starts getting better tomorrow.
当我被困在 ? When I'm stuck with a day ?
昏暗孤独的一天里 ? That's grey, and lonely ?
我抬起下巴 ? I just stick out my chin ?
微笑 ? and grin... ?
-噢 -然后说 - Oh! - ? And say ?
明天太阳就会升起 ? The sun will come out Tomorrow ?
明天 明天 ? mañana! mañana! ?
我爱你 明天 ? Te quiero, mañana! ?
距你到来 ? You're only a day ?
只有一天 ? Away! ?
你摔了个狗吃屎 宝贝 You fell on your ass, baby.
第三天
打扰了！ Excuse me!
嗨 Hi.
你能跟我说说这房子吗？ What, what can you tell me about this house?
什么？ I'm sorry?
克雷格列表上有出租这房子的广告 There was a rental ad for this house on Craigslist,
但是没人应门 but no one's answering the doorbell.
克雷格列表上的广告？ An ad on Craigslist?
对 Yeah.
奈杰尔的房子的？ For Nigel's house?
不是 是一个叫弗兰克的人 No, somebody named Frank?
广告被和谐了 因为内含不文明用语 The ad's gone, it was flagged for profanity.
好吧 等等 回放一下 Okay, wait. Back the fuck up.
重头再来 什么？ Let's start over. What?
好吧 有个广告 Well, there was an ad,
“出租这间他妈又大又漂亮的房子” "For rent, big, beautiful fucking house
“装修非常他娘的齐全” furnished up the ass."
很显然 我被打动了 Obviously, I was intrigued.
你还好吧 Are, are you okay?
好的不能再好了 Not even in the ballpark.
四美元？ Four dollars?
一个绿皮西葫芦要四美元？ Four dollars for a zucchini.
卖这么贵都不花点钱把购物车 And these people won't even grease the wheels
轮子润滑一下 of their shopping cart.
贱人们 Fuckers.
南希？ Nancy?
你还好吗 Are you okay?
噢 你 Oh, you.
海蒂 嗨 Heidi, hi.
没事 我只是刚看见了一只蜘蛛 I'm fine, it's just that I saw a spider,
想弄死它 and I tried to get it.
脚就被卡住了 My foot got stuck.
你车里的是盒装酒吗 Um, are those box wines in your cart?
不是 我最近在喝果汁 No, I'm juicing.
奇普和孩子们怎么样了 How are Chip and the kids?
奇普找了点关系把卡特送进了耶鲁大学 Oh, Chip pulled some strings and got Carter into Yale.
估计他不会太好但也不会太差 He won't light up the world but he won't blow it up, either.
噢 Oh.
跑题了 你听说张丽萨的事情了吗 Oh, totally off subject, did you hear about Lisa Chang?
没有 丽萨？ No, Lisa?
她和安德鲁分手了 年轻小三 She and Andrew split up, younger woman,
什么的 你懂得 yadda yadda, you know the drill.
但是 丽萨现在去梅西百货工作了 But, Lisa is working at Macy's now.
在香水柜台做柜员 At the perfume counter.
-天呐 -我的天呐 - Oh, my god. - Oh, my god.
她现在成天拿着香水卡 She's waving those little smelly cards
在人们面来挥来挥去 on people's faces.
还长胖了十磅 She gained ten pounds.
还要继续长的 And she's about to gain more.
因为有钱才会瘦 Because you have to be rich to be skinny.
没钱只能买那些便宜的食物 All the cheap foods are the ones that pork you up.
它们全是糖分 脂肪 玉米糖浆 The sugars, the carbs, the corn syrup.
我就不明白了 I do not understand why
放越多防腐剂和化学添加剂的食物 the more preservatives and chemicals
越便宜 they put in the food, the cheaper it is.
而直接从地里拿出来的东西 And the food that just comes out of the earth,
却贵的要命 it's so expensive.
混蛋！ Bastards!
都怪那些嬉皮士 It's those hippies,
他们唱着 they seed their sow going,
“兄弟 看看这个西葫芦 天呐” "Hey dude, look at this zucchini, man.
“太美妙了 来自地球母亲的馈赠” It's so beautiful, a gift from Mother Earth.
“我们该收多少钱呢？” How much should we charge for it?"
“额 不知道啊” "Uh, I don't know,
“4块2吧” uh, 4.20?
好吧 再见 很高兴见到你 Okay, bye. Goodbye. Nice to see you.
-拜 -拜 - Bye. Bye. - Bye.
拜 Bye.
天 天 Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
弗兰克 Oh, Frank.
我觉得我焦虑发作了 I think I'm having an anxiety attack, and...
啥？ Wait, what?
你是在逗我吗？ Is this a joke?
-什么时候的？ -支票吗？ - But when? - The check?
不是 那条广告 No, the ad.
肯定是咱们昨晚喝酒的时候 Oh, it must have been last night when we were drinking.
我以为是你放上去的 都是你的主意 I thought you did it. It was all your idea.
我的主意？ My idea?
弗兰克 我这么说就是意思意思 Frank, I said it to make a point
我们不应该做这么蠢的事 about how we don't do anything stupid like that.
你不记得了吗？ Don't you remember?
我不记得我们开了那瓶拉度 I don't remember us polishing off
但是我们开了 对吧 that Chateau Latour, but we did that too, right?
我记得 I remember that.
我记得拉开瓶塞时 I remember pulling the cork,
它发出的清脆响声 it made that pop sound
就像夏娃咬下那颗苹果时 like the crunch sound Eve probably made
发出的咔嚓声 when she bit the apple.
宝贝 Baby.
这可是预付的六个月房费 他叫卡尔 It's six months in advance, his name is Carl,
看他开的价钱 我觉得他是上帝派来的天使 and for what it's worth, I think he was sent from God.
弗兰克 你知道这意味着什么吗 Frank, do you understand what this means?
意味着瑞秋一整年的学费 It means an entire year of Rachel's tuition.
谢谢你 上帝！ Thank you, Jesus!
这架势... Does this mean...
我们是要庆祝了吗？ we're gonna celebrate?
绝对的！ Heck yes!
但我得先去做一件事 But I gotta do something first.
马上回来 I'll be right back.
嗨 弗兰克 Hi, Frank.
嘿 Hey.
这是戴夫·布鲁贝克的曲子吗 Is that Dave Brubeck on the stereo?
-不是 -那太可惜了 - No. - Ah. Too bad,
我喜欢布鲁贝克 I love Brubeck.
尤其是斯坦·盖茨演奏中音萨克斯的时候 Especially back when Stan Getz was on tenor sax.
《心墙魅影》的原声带就是盖茨做的 Getz did the soundtrack for Micky One,
这也是我最爱的沃伦·比蒂主演的电影 which is my favorite Warren Beatty film.
那应该是65年或者66年 I wanna say '65, '66.
那时候比蒂还是个帅气的小伙子 Warren Beatty was a handsome boy.
身边美女如云 对吧？ Got all the lady women, right?
但你懂的 不是所有人都适合看《心墙魅影》 But you know, Micky One's not for everyone.
你必须得有耐心 You have to be patient.
不像星战 那电影真的很刺激 对吧 Unlike Star Wars, that really trucks along, right?
还有与狼共舞 Same with Dances With Wolves.
凯文·科斯纳他真的... Kevin Costner, he was...
额 卡尔 这些很奇怪 我一点也没跟上你说的 Uh, Carl, that was bizarre, and I didn't follow any of it.
你还好吗？ Is everything okay?
噢 我... Oh, it's...
我喜欢这房子 I love the house.
是我失礼了 I'm being rude.
这是我的好朋友 乔 This is my good buddy, Joe.
其实比起朋友 他更是我的保释官 Well, less of a buddy and more of a parole officer.
什么？ I beg your pardon?
弗兰克 作为你的新邻居 我有法律义务告诉你 Frank, uh, as a new neighbor, I'm "legally required"
我是一个有案底的性侵犯者 to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender.
再来一遍？ Come again?
哇哦 真的吗？ Wow, really?
什么真的？ Really what?
我开玩笑的 你说了“再来一遍” I... I was kidding. You said "come again"
而我是性侵犯者 这是个笑话 and I'm a sex offender. It was a joke.
卡尔是三级性侵犯者 Carl's a class three offender.
他必须通知特定区域内的所有居民 He has to notify any resident within a designated area.
所以我们要挨家挨户拜访一下 So we'll be going house to house.
感觉像万圣节讨糖一样 It's kind of like trick or treating,
只不过我们不会收到糖 except for we don't get candy,
我们要告诉人们我是恋童癖 we tell people I'm a pedophile.
不好意思 我觉得我耳朵有问题 I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with my ears.
有一个巨大的声音在我耳边响 就像... There's a really loud sound to them, like a...
海洋咆哮的声音 所以... like a roaring crashing ocean, so...
你他妈刚说什么？ What the fuck did you just say?
宝贝 告诉小弗兰克 Baby, tell little Frank
我来了 我准备好了 that I'm here, that I'm ready.
宝贝 别过来门这儿 Baby, get away from the door!
哇哦 弗兰克 Wow. Frank.
过得不错啊 You really did well.
我可没料到 I did not see that coming.
天 我很庆幸这不是你安排好的 Good. I'm glad you didn't plan this.
我要烧了那房子烤了那只猪 Gotta burn down the house to cook the pig.
什么？ What?
我说 我可没料到 I'm saying, "I did not see that coming."
看呐 Oh, look.
他们要去坦普尔曼家了 They're going to the Templeman's.
人不错 坦普尔曼一家子 Nice people, the Templeman's.
他们的草坪总是绿油油的 Their lawn is always so green.
我老在想他们用的什么产品 I've always wondered what they use.
或许你可以打电话给卡尔 Maybe you can call Carl.
那个该死的性侵犯者 You know, the fucking, fucking sex offender,
让他问他们家 and ask him to ask them.
也许是硫酸镁 Probably magnesium sulfate.
你知道我们要蹲号子了吧 You realize we're going to jail, right?
不会 奈杰尔不会提出控告的 No. Nigel will never press charges,
我已经救他的家免于火灾太多次了 I've pulled his fat out of the fire too many times.
上个月 他家的烟雾报警器响了 Like last month, his smoke detector was beeping,
我给他换了9伏电池 都没找他要钱呢 I changed the nine-volt, didn't even charge him.
清醒一点 混蛋 Snap out of it, motherfucker.
我们要坐牢了 We're going to jail.
别忘了你的药方 Don't, uh, forget your prescriptions
还有接下来几个星期要用到的其它东西 and anything else you might need for the next few weeks.
弗兰克 帮我 Frank, help me.
牵着袋子 牵着 Hold this bag. Hold this bag.
你真的需要这么多内裤吗 啊？ Do you really need all these panties and such, hun?
不是 我要把它们藏在阁楼里 No. I'm gonna hide them in the attic.
我可不想让他用我的内衣裤安慰 I don't want him going all over my lingerie.
那叫自慰 宝贝 自慰 The word is "cumming," honey. Cumming.
老娘不在乎 I don't give a damn.
我不想让他的DNA残存在我的私人物品上 I do not want his DNA on my private things.
宝贝 我们不知道他到底干过什么 Baby, we really don't know what he did.
那你也应该把你内裤藏起来 Then you should hide your panties, too.
嗨 Hi.
我知道我本该告诉你的 Look, I, I, I know I should have said something,
但是 我也从没跟你说过 but it... it's not like I told you
我不是性侵犯者 I wasn't a registered offender.
天呐 他刚说了那个词 Oh, my god, he just said that.
我看到他的嘴唇动了 I saw his lips move and everything.
卡尔 Carl.
我身体的一部分现在真的很想揍你一拳 Part of me would like to punch you in the face right now,
另一部分想踢你命根 but another part of me would like to kick you in the balls.
你选哪部分？ Which do you prefer?
谢了 通常我都没得选 Uh, thanks. I... I normally don't get a choice.
但是 我对你的房子一无所知 But I, I don't know anything about your house.
我怎么知道你的房子和这间一样好 Well, how do I know your house is as nice as this house?
我们的房子棒呆了好吗 Our house is gorgeous.
卡尔 你没得选 Carl, you don't have a choice.
我们的房子就算是坐落在 Our house could be a shack cantilevered over
地狱化粪池上的烂棚子 都无关紧要 hell's septic tank, and it wouldn't matter.
你要么住在我们家里 You either move into our house,
要么流落街头去 反正这房子你不能待 or you're back on the street, because you cannot stay here.
我也可以要回我的2万5 I guess I could just get my 25 grand back
再另找地方啊 and find another place.
这样吧 You know what?
我随便 Fine with me.
我还不确定让不让你进我们家呢 Because I'm not even sure that I want you in my house,
睡在我们的床上 垫着我们的床单 sleeping in our bed, inside our sheets,
我一直裸睡的床 where I sleep naked all the time.
要是他发现了我们的录像呢 And what if he finds our home videos?
我是不是让你不要录 Didn't I tell you not to film that?
也许 也许我能接受 Maybe I can make this work.
听我说 Let me... let me run something by you.
那个瑞士达克斯娜床垫 The Swedish Duxiana mattress.
我都没来得及在上面睡上一觉 I haven't been able to sleep one night in it.
通常我对床垫没什么兴趣 I'm not really interested in mattresses normally,
但这次我想要床垫 but this is my one time for this mattress,
虽然我不是什么挑床垫的人 and I'm not even a mattress guy.
-你想要床垫 卡尔？ -嗯 - You want the mattress, Carl? - Yeah.
你疯了吗？ Are you out of your fucking mind?
别想了 You're not getting the mattress.
你检查过脑子了吗？ Have you ever had your head examined?
里头是什么 果酱饼干吗？ What's in there, Pop-Tarts?
还“我不是什么挑床垫的人” "I'm not even a mattress guy."
天呐 卡尔 Jesus H. Christ, Carl.
你才不会得到那块床垫 You are not getting the fucking mattress!
为什么我们要从后院走 Why are we going through the backyard?
为什么天空是蓝色的 Why is the sky blue?
额 因为阳光 Uh, 'cause sunlight
被空气中的灰尘粒子折射 is refracted by dust particles in the air
蓝色是色谱里的主色？ and blue is the dominant color of the spectrum?
你这是五年级的时候学的 Did you learn that in the fifth grade,
还是从五年级小孩那儿学来的？ or from a fifth grader?
扎心了 Ouch.
宝贝 只有你能想到 Baby, only you would think
把奈杰尔的游泳池变成我们的私人影院 of turning Nigel's pool into our own private drive-in.
也许我是疯了吧 Maybe I'm losing my mind.
喔 Aww.
看看她的小样儿 Look at her.
那是瑞秋五年级演话剧的时候 That was Rachel's fifth-grade play.
她演的超棒 She was so good.
瑞秋是最棒的 我不是王婆卖瓜 Rachel was the best thing in it. I'm being objective.
真的 和瑞秋相比 I mean, compared to Rachel,
其他那些孩子简直可笑 the rest of these kids were all laughable.
尖锐的声音 简直难以入耳 Their screechy voices, so hard on the ears.
啊 看呐 Ah, and there it is.
珍妮丝那豪华的 难忘的派对 Janice's grand, unforgettable party.
你妹妹办那场派对 Your sister only threw that party
只是为了炫富 to prove how rich she is.
我今天去了一家98美分商店 You know, I was in a 98 cents store today.
我敢说珍妮丝 I bet you anything that Janice
永远不会进一家那样的店的 would never set foot in one of those.
那是因为她嫁给了丹 That's only because she married Dan,
而不是因为她比你聪明 not because she's any smarter than you.
你记得我们一起逛那家店的时候吗 Do you remember when we went together?
你哭着喊着要吃宝贝露丝的巧克力棒 You were craving Baby Ruths.
我当时就想吃 I just had to have that Baby Ruth.
直觉驱使 我们买了验孕棒 On a hunch, we bought that pregnancy test
8个月过后 and eight months later,
瑞秋出生了 along came our little Rachel.
敬宝贝露丝 To Baby Ruths.
你好？ Hello?
提加藤先生不在家 Mr. Teagarten's not at home.
不好意思？ I'm sorry?
他欠你钱？ He owes you money?
我是他管家 又不是他会计 Well, I'm his butler, not his accountant,
你个混蛋 you fucking ass.
万事达卡公司打来的 That was Mastercard.
弗兰克 你为什么不卖了咱的墓地 Frank, why don't we sell our funeral plots?
我们至少 We can get what,
可以卖2000 对吧？ 2,000 dollars at least, right?
宝贝 对不起 学校要交宿舍押金所以我已经卖了 Shit, baby, I'm sorry. School wanted a dorm deposit.
好吧 真好 Well, how lovely.
其实我现在很想尿尿 I actually have to pee really badly right now,
要是平常 我会直接拉在池子里 and I would normally do it right here in the pool,
但我现在不想让事情变得更糟 but I don't wanna make our problems any worse.
是你吗？ 卡尔 Is that you, Carl?
你好啊 变态 What's up, pervert?
什么情况 What the hell is going on here?
南希 南希 报警 Nancy, Nancy, call 911!
你在和谁说话 Who you talking to?
额 没人 Uh, nobody.
这儿没人 There's nobody else here.
天呐 Oh, my god.
跑 跑 伊斯兰国的来人了 Run, run, ISIS has come!
我政治中立！ I am... I am neutral!
放开我 放开我！ Put me down! Put me down!
你知道我们抓这婊子的时候她在干嘛吗？ You know what this bitch was doing when I grabbed her?
她正盯着一个穿着紧身衣的小女孩 Staring at a little girl in a leotard.
那是我女儿 I'm looking at my daughter.
法律不保护我们这个社区 The law won't protect our community
免受你们这些变态毒害 from deviants like you.
我们来保护 We will!
要是再在附近看到你俩 So if we see you anywhere near...
就别怪我们不客气 112 Blue Jay...
天 Oh, my god!
我们刚走了一道鬼门关 We just escaped death.
他们以为你是卡尔 They thought you were Carl,
因为卡尔告诉他们的是奈杰尔家的地址 because Carl gave out Nigel's address.
他们以为我是卡尔 They thought I was Carl
因为他说了奈杰尔的地址 because he gave out Nigel's address.
我刚就是这么说的 你为什么要吼 That's what I just said, why are you screaming?
刚那枪声 The gunshots!
我的耳朵 你懂得 My ears are, you know.
你知道怎么分辨 You know how you know when your life
生活是否失控吗？ is out of control?
就是当你耳鸣的时候 When there's a ringing in your ears
你却无法分辨是信用卡公司打来了电话 and you don't know if it's a creditor calling
还是被绑架者在离你六英寸的地方 or a kidnapper has fired a shotgun
开了一枪 six inches from your head.
你是在紧身裤上穿了束腹裤吗？ Is that Spanx over tights?
是的 我穿了两层 Yes, I'm double spanking.
你非得吼地全世界都听到吗？ Do you have to scream it to the world?
因为此时此刻 'Cause right about now,
我希望给我的脖子 I'd like to have a pair of really tight Spanx
裹两条束腹裤 around my fucking neck!
不行 珍妮丝不会理解的 No, Janice would never understand.
但她是你妹妹 But she's your sister.
她会问很多问题 She will ask too many questions.
我们的车坏了 Our car broke down.
对哦 Right.
我光脚怎么说? And I'm barefoot
因为我们开的是《摩登原始人》的那种木头车 because we have the Flintstones car.
然后我像威尔玛一样死命地蹬把鞋蹬没了 and I peddled it like Wilma.
你觉得他的净收入有多少？ What's your guess on his net worth?
我觉得至少一亿吧 I'd say at least a hundred million.
可能有两亿 It's as high as two hundred million.
没有 那太高了 No, that's too high.
但至少一亿 At least a hundred million.
他绝对不愁温饱 He's definitely well fed.
求你了 咱走吧 Please, let's go.
她不会信这些鬼话的 She... she'll never buy our bullshit.
你不能告诉她 不能告诉任何人 And you can't tell her, or anybody else for that matter.
面子就是这么丢的 That's how this falling from grace thing works.
人们发现了 他们就会装作不知道 躲避我们 People find out, they look away, they avert their eyes.
尤其是我们的朋友 Especially our friends.
那他们是真朋友吗？ Are they really our friends, then?
南希 我太累了 Nancy, I'm too tired
没精力和你谈这么深刻的问题 to have a deep conversation right now.
但是 他们不是 But, no.
不行 弗兰克 No, Frank.
你为什么要逼我这么做？ Why are you forcing me to do this?
我现在做不来 I cannot take this shit right now.
我会焦虑发作的 I'm gonna get an anxiety attack.
不能去找贝蒂 Not Betty.
我理解你为啥不想待在珍妮丝家 Okay, I understand you didn't wanna stay at Janice's,
但这个妹妹的家你也不想待？ but now you don't wanna stay at this sister's house?
听着 我们走投无路了 Look, we have nowhere to go.
卡尔住在我们家里 又不能回去奈杰尔家 Carl's in our house, we can't go back to Nigel's
那些神经病会杀了我们 'cause those psychos said they'd kill us,
身上没有信用卡 你还光脚 we don't have any credit cards, you're barefoot,
感觉简直身处地狱 and I feel like hell.
当然你觉得 Of course, you do.
因为我们马上就要到地狱了 'Cause we're almost there.
这就是地狱 That is hell.
我们现在就好像在堪萨斯州 It's like we're in Kansas,
就要被吸进龙卷风 and we're about to get sucked into a tornado
然后扔进地狱 and drop into an inferno
矮人族开着车在门口守着 where Oompa Loompa's on speed are the gatekeepers.
宝贝 我需要时间 Baby, I'm gonna need some time
来消化消化这些类比 to sort through all those analogies.
再说了 也没有那么糟 Besides, it's not that bad.
多笑笑就好 Just smile a lot.
看到了吗？ 就这样笑 See? Smile. Like this.
看你能笑多久 Let's see how long that lasts.
-嗨 特里斯坦 -嗨 特里斯坦 - Hi, Tristan. - Hi, Tristan.
她为什么光脚 Why is she barefoot?
-额 在练太极 -额... - Uh, Tai Chi. - Uh...
非常放松身心 It's... it's very relaxing.
我们能进来吗 Uh, can we come in?
我猜应该可以吧 I guess you could come in.
老爸 弗兰克叔叔和南希阿姨来了 Dad, Uncle Frank and Aunt Nancy are here.
这对讲机挺酷的 That's a really cool walkie-talkie.
是的 但我觉得不酷 Yeah, well, not to me.
我该死的老爹不肯给我买王牌10s款的 My fucking dad won't spring for the Ace 10s,
那才叫炫酷好 which are way more badass.
-额 -海豹部队都用的是王牌10s - Hm. - Navy SEALs use Ace 10s.
他们也会一些炫酷的武术 比如近身格斗术 They also use cool martial arts like Krav Maga
之类的 and cool shit like that.
太极是同性恋练的 你们应该知道吧 Tai Chi's for homos, but you probably knew that.
微笑 弗兰克 Smile, Frank.
嗨 特雷 Oh, hi, Trey.
我也想 I wish.
我的对讲机就像一条刚用过的屌一样不好使 My walkie-talkie is dead as a used dick.
你们有九伏电池吗？ You have any nine-volt batteries?
-我吗？ -我能搜你身吗？ - Me? - Can I search you?
-什么？-没什么？ - What? - Nothing.
老爸 天 你在干嘛 你在演戏剧吗？ Dad, for god sakes, what is this, a Beckett play?
我们要像等待戈多那样等你吗？ When did this turn into Waiting for Godot?
这比喻从小孩子口中说出不常见啊 That is quite a reference for a young lad.
我就是迪迪 他就是格格 Yeah, I'm Vladimir and he's Estregon.
-是 是戈戈 -扯淡 - It... it's Estragon. - Bullshit.
老爸 赶紧的 Dad, chop-chop,
这儿的寒暄要尴尬起来了 the small talk's getting a little thin out here.
行了 我来了 来了 All right, I'm coming, I'm coming,
别急得把内裤卷成一团 don't get your panties in a wad.
向您请安 傻子公爵 All hail, Lord Douchington.
嗨 鲍勃 Hi, Bob.
嘿 你们来了 Hey, you made it.
旅途怎么样 How's the trip?
-一切还好吧 -傻子 - Found everything okay? - Douche.
一个星期不准看电视 兄弟 Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.
-傻子拜拜 -还说... - Se?or Douche. - Yeah...
天 God.
真可爱 Delightful.
南希 你怎么光脚 Hey, so, Nance, how come you're barefoot?
你不是在扮什么嬉皮士吧 You ain't going hippie on me, are you?
嗯 Yeah.
我是... Um, I'm like...
威尔玛·弗林特斯通 Wilma Flintstone.
弗雷德才是开车的啊 Fred was the one who drove.
威尔玛只坐副驾驶 Wilma just rode shotgun.
她偶尔也开车 She drove sometimes.
所以是有白蚁侵占了你们的房子吗 还是什么 So, uh, they're termite tending your house? What?
是的 我们本来想在小屋里睡的 Well, yeah, we tried to sleep in the den,
但是那里都是烟 but there were all these fumes,
搞得好像我们回到了60年代 and then it was like we were back in the '60s.
这我倒是不懂 Well, I wouldn't know.
我比你们小多了 I'm way younger than you are.
但我还是懂昆虫入侵什么的 Hey, but I do know the tending game.
我们屋里有蜘蛛 We got spiders.
蜘蛛产卵的时候 那些小蜘蛛跑出来 When those spider eggs pop, those little spiders come out,
疯狂地看啥咬啥 they start biting everything like crazy.
微笑 弗兰克 Smile, Frank.
就是这样 Oh, yeah.
我听起来很有戒备心吗？ Do I sound defensive?
-没有 -贝蒂要下来吗 - No. - Is Betty coming down?
我在电话里跟弗兰克说了 I was telling Frank on the phone,
她腹泻 睡了 she's laid up with diarrhea.
不小心吃了用猫粮做的三明治 She accidentally made a sandwich out of cat food.
不用担心我们 我们已经吃过了 Well, don't worry about us. We had dinner already.
我想去看看 I think I'm gonna go see
-她怎么样了 -嘿 嘿 嘿 你... - how she's... - Hey, hey, hey. You...
你现在不会想上去的 You don't wanna go up there right now.
她现在如同坐在一个王座上 棕色的那种 She's on the throne, blowing brown,
懂我的比喻了吧 if you catch my drift.
懂了 I caught it, yeah.
但是 如我所说 Hey, but like I said,
你们可以在双胞胎的房里过一晚 you two are welcome to bunk in the twins' room.
我们的房？ 为什么不去你的房 Our room? Why not your room?
因为你们俩今晚可以睡沙发 Because you two can sleep on the couch tonight.
完毕 Over.
听说过6号汽车旅馆吗？ 完毕 Ever hear of a Motel 6? Over.
哈 真好笑 Ah. Hilarious.
我带你们去房里看看 I'm just gonna show you to the room,
希望我们不会迷路 hopefully, we won't get lost.
我们每个月都来吧 Let's do this every month.
不好意思 朋友 Sorry, fellas.
这么不好意思 能走吗 Sorry enough to go away?
-哇哦 -床很小 - Wow. - The bed is small.
如果你们要在上面干任何事 If you're gonna do any stuff in it,
记得洗床单 just wash the sheets after.
好的 Will do.
好恶心 It's gross.
我们说的是同一件事吗 Are we talking about the same thing?
-我说真的 -我知道 - I'm serious. - I'm sure you are.
-我们之间有什么误会吗？ -我觉得没有 - Do we have a problem? - I don't think so.
那我们说完了吗 Are we done now?
嗯 我觉得说完了 Yeah, I think we're done.
你知道可以黑进婴儿监视器吗 Did you know that you can hack into baby monitors?
我们在教领居家的小孩 We're teaching our neighbor's baby
讲粗话 how to say the N-word.
南希 陪我到外头抽根烟好吗 Uh, Nancy, would you join me outside for a cigarette please?
好的 Please. Yeah.
你现在懂我说的了吗？ You understand now what I was talking about?
只不过矮人族开的不是车 Except Oompa Loompas are not on speed,
是嗑了天使尘 they are on angel dust.
我们何其幸运能把瑞秋教的这么好 How did we get so lucky with Rachel?
因为我们都是直接和她交谈 Well, we communicated with her directly,
而不是通过什么对讲机 not through some CB Radio.
我们从头再来一遍 Let's start there and reverse engineer it.
我在想 I was thinking,
我们把奈杰尔的房子租给了卡尔 we rented Nigel's house to Carl
但是我们得让他住在我们房子里 but we had to move him over to our house,
那也就是说 奈杰尔的房还是空的 which means that Nigel's house is still empty.
如果我们把奈杰尔的房子再租出去 I say we rent Nigel's house again...
-弗兰克 -只不过这次 - Frank! - ...only this time
要租给不是性侵犯者的租客 to somebody who isn't a sex offender.
或者 不如我们直接给自己戴上手铐 Or, why don't we just handcuff ourselves
然后径直走向警察局 and walk straight into the police station, Frank?
这地方到处都是蜘蛛网 This place is filled with spider webs.
你能看出来 他们从不打扫 Well, as you can see, they don't clean.
刚开始的那条克雷格列表上的广告还在我手机上 The original Craigslist ad is still on my phone.
不如我们在把它重新发表出去 I say we post it again.
你没听我讲话吗 弗兰克 Are you not listening to me, Frank?
绝对他妈不行 Absolutely no fucking way.
这是底线 This is where we draw the line.
宝贝 我不知道底线后面是什么 Baby, I don't know what's on the other side of that line,
但是知道底线前面 but I do know what's on this side of that line,
黯淡无光 and it is bleak.
好了 这是那条原版的广告 Okay, here's the original Craigslist ad.
-你不准 -我们删一些 - Don't you dare. - We delete some
不雅用词 那时你喝醉了 of the bad words, I think you were drunk at the time.
我当时喝醉了？ I was drunk at the time?
发送了 And it is done.
你又发上去了吗？ You just posted it again?
弗兰克 你刚抽到了一只蜘蛛 Frank, you just smoked a spider!
快给我用海姆立克法急救一下 Give me the Heimlich!
什么鬼情况？ What the hell is going on?
你们吵醒了我的孩子 You woke up my baby!
弗兰克 我懂 你抽了一只蜘蛛 Frank, I get it, you smoked a spider.
但你能小点声吗 But can you keep it down?
快拍我的背 Hit me in the back.
不要用... Not with the...
娜塔莉 让你的孩子离我们家婴儿监视器远点 Natalie, tell your kids to stay off my baby monitor.
谁让你装婴儿监视器的 It's your fault for having a baby monitor.
活该你有麻烦 It's an attractive nuisance.
噢 出来了 Oh! There it is.
弗兰克 你还好吗 Oh, Frank, are you okay?
你想再来根烟吗 Do you want another cigarette?
你没事吧 宝贝 Are you all right baby?
第四天
爸 快来 Dad, come quick.
为什么弗兰克叔叔要这么对我 Why is Uncle Frank doing this to me?
什么情况 天 What the hell? Oh, my god!
-恩？ -弗兰克 - Yes? - Frank!
天 My god!
什么情况？ What is going on?
南希 你是裸着的吗 Nancy, are... are you naked?
我没裸着 这是个T恤 No, I'm not naked. It's a shirt.
特里斯坦 你穿的啥 Tristan, what are those?
这是南希阿姨的束腰裤 弗兰克叔叔逼我穿的 It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx, Uncle Frank made me wear them.
别装了 Now stop this.
-弗兰克 你怎么能... -什么？ - Frank, how could you? - What?
他还是个孩子 He's just a boy.
我现在好害怕 I'm so scared right now.
该死 Oh, shit.
天呐 Jesus Christ.
贝蒂 Betty.
她刚朝我伸舌头了 She just stuck her tongue out at me.
弗兰克 下楼来 立刻 马上 Frank, downstairs, now.
你到底是何方神圣 Who are you?
你知道吗 弗兰克 You know what, Frank?
被误认为性侵犯者真是不爽 It's not pleasant to be mistaken for a sex offender,
还不到24小时就骚扰了自己的侄子 and molesting your nephew in less than 24 hours.
但是现在 But right now,
我为我姐妹感到难过 I feel sorry for my sister.
事实上我真的很担心她 I am actually really worried for her.
是该担心 As you should be.
很快 就会有法院指定的治疗专家 Pretty soon, some court-appointed therapist
来检查检查这俩熊孩子 is gonna be white knuckling with those two kids.
我看你妹妹还挺冷静的 I see that your sister calmed down enough
借你她的假发 to lend you her wig, huh?
噢 是的 我不知道这假发是不是他们家的 Oh, yeah, I don't know whose wig it is in that house.
好吧 反正它能帮我们不被那些绑架犯认出来 Well, it helps us hide from the kidnappers.
嘿 你是韦恩吗 在广告下面评论的那个？ Hey, are you Wayne, the guy that answered the ad?
是的 是的 Yeah, yeah.
-我是弗兰克 -你们俩这是干嘛 - I'm Frank. - Yeah. What are you two,
保护证人计划吗？ in the witness protection program?
不是 我们刚在后院晒太阳 Uh, no, we were just sunning ourselves in the backyard.
=那是你的卡车吗 韦恩？ -是的 - Is that your truck, Wayne? - Yeah.
棒呆了 进来说话 Oh, that's fantastic. Step inside
我们看看房子 好吧 and we'll just take a look at the house, okay?
广告上说 房子装修精美 The ad said, uh, the house comes furnished.
是的 只是缺个床垫 说来话长 Uh, yup. It only needs a mattress. Long story.
前租客拿走了它 The previous tenant took it.
说来话短 Short story.
好吧 行 我给你们开张支票 Okay, then. I wrote you a check.
你 额 这样就完了吗？ 你不想再看看吗？ You, uh, that's it? You don't wanna have a look around?
听着 不是我混蛋 你们还想不想租这房子了？ Listen, not to be an asshole. You wanna rent the place or not?
我忙得很 I mean, I got shit tons of stuff to do.
额 好 没问题 Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.
只是想走个流程 It's just that normally there's a process.
我们在问问题方面吸取了个教训 We learned the hard way to ask questions.
你听到了吗？ Did you hear that?
什么声音？ What's that?
天呐 Good lord.
我脸上有东西 Oh, there's something on my face.
别 不要碰你的脸 不要慌 No, don't touch your face! Don't panic.
你身上都是蜘蛛 You're covered in spiders.
天呐 宝贝 别动 Jesus, baby don't move!
啊 他们在我身上爬 Ah! They're crawling in my body!
过来 过来 Hey, come here. Come here.
弗兰克 你看到它们了吗 Frank, you saw them! Get them, get them!
它们在咬我！ They're biting me, they're biting me!
它们在咬我！ 把束腹裤脱了！ They're biting me! Ah! Get the Spanx!
快帮我脱了 抓住它们 Get the Spanx! Get 'em!
把它们弄走 Take them out!
我们去医院！ Let's go to the hospital!
快带我去医院 Take me to the hospital!
把束腹裤拿着 Get my Spanx!
天呐 Oh, my god.
天 我要爆炸了 Oh, my god, I'm burning!
弗兰克 我都干了些什么 Oh, Frank, what have I done?
转告瑞秋我爱她 Tell my Rachel I love her.
你不会死的 你不会死的 You're not gonna die, you're not gonna die.
听到了吗 哇哦 哇哦 You hear me? Woah! Woah!
别抓了 别把蜘蛛惹恼了 Stop scratching yourself, don't antagonize it,
天呐 for god sake's.
南希 你会没事的 Nancy, you're gonna be fine,
医生会给你药膏的 the doctors will give you an ointment.
我们在路上了 坚持住 Look, I'm steering the wheel. Hold on, hold on.
天 我恨蜘蛛 God I hate spiders,
你呢？ 等等 这儿还有一个 don't you? Wait, there's another one.
噢 Whoa!
第五天
噢！ Oh!
泰勒 最近怎样 Tyler, how are you?
额 弗兰克 你最近咋样？ Uh, Frank, how are you?
挺好 兄弟 I'm on the right side of the grass my man,
有啥事吗 what's the haps?
恕我冒昧 你是怎么进来的？ No offense Frank, but how did you get in here?
这可是一个限制进入的车库 This is a restricted access garage.
我还有这儿的停车证 Well, I still have my Jensen parking pass,
今天早上我和16楼的格罗蒂娜有场面谈 and I have an interview today up on 16 with, uh, Gretina.
格罗蒂娜已经不在16楼了 弗兰克 Gretina's not on 16 anymore, Frank.
那他们现在在几楼？ What floor are they on?
他们搬到西雅图了 They moved to Seattle.
好吧 别提醒我 Well, don't remind me,
我现在只想来杯星巴克 'cause I'm dying for a Starbucks,
会议是在Skype上开的 but the meeting is on Skype.
我得上Skype了 连到 额... 西雅图 I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.
噢 别这样 Oh, don't, don't.
别这样 泰勒 别这样看着我 Don't Tyler, don't give me that look.
我知道这表情啥意思 求你了 I know that look. Please.
我没事 好得很 Everything's fine. Everything with us is okay.
噢 亲爱的 Oh, honey,
记得延森医药公司的泰勒院长 you remember Tyler Rector from Jensen Med?
宝贝 听得到吗？ Baby, can you hear me?
需要帮忙吗？ How can I help?
所以 这就是所有的故事了 So that's the long and short.
但是 好在 But the, uh, silver lining is that at least for now,
我们暂时不用担心瑞秋大学的事 uh, we don't have to worry about Rachel's college.
但是 我们现在无家可归了 But, we're homeless.
哇哦 这真是个曲折的故事 Wow, that's, uh, that's quite a story.
一切都因一个错误而起？ So all this started with one mistake?
还有一些小问题在里头推波助澜 With a bunch of smaller ones shooting off it.
比如说蜘蛛卵孵化了 Kind of like when a spider egg pops,
然后这些小蜘蛛跑出来 and all these little spiders
不停地咬你 come and bite you in the ass.
这个你要吃吗？ Are you gonna eat that?
不用 你吃吧 Mm. No, please.
谢谢 Thank you.
听着 朋友 Listen, guys.
我知道一个人 他叫蓝道 I know someone. His name's Randall.
我给他打个电话 弗兰克 他应该会帮到你 Let me give him a call, Frank. He might have something for you.
这将是一个新的开始 It'd be a start.
泰勒 太好了 Tyler, that would be great.
我们还有韦恩开的支票 And we also still have Wayne's check.
我们还可以去兑现 We can always, uh, cash that.
弗兰克 如果你兑现了 那就不只是一个错误了 Frank, if you cash that check, then it's no longer one mistake.
那就是个模式了 It becomes a pattern.
你说得对 Exactly.
这就是我想告诉他的 That's what I've been trying to tell him.
但是 泰勒 绝望让人无法理智 But, Tyler, desperation is a bitch.
真的非常感谢你 Thank you so much
感谢你帮我们做的一切 for everything that you've done to help us.
我知道你们可能暂时有些困难 So, you guys have your work cut out for you.
但是记住了 即使是水泥地 草也会破土而出 Just remember, grass can grow through concrete.
他刚是说屁股可以从... Did he say your ass can grow through...
不是 他说的是 No, no, no. No, no, look, the phrase is,
草可以冲破水泥地长出来 "Grass can grow through concrete."
我给你接着吧 不介意的话 Can I give you that, please? Do you mind if I?
谢谢 Thank you.
南希 你会没事的 Nancy, you're gonna be all right.
别慌 南希 Don't panic, Nancy.
你进去洗个热水澡 You're gonna take a hot bath.
换上干净的衣服 You're gonna get fresh clothes,
搞好妆发 you're gonna do your hair and makeup.
马上就可以做回自己了 You're three minutes from being yourself.
什么情况？ What the fuck?
感谢你应邀来吃午饭 Uh, thank you for taking this lunch,
-我知道你很忙 -没事 应该做的 - I know you're busy. - No, of course.
泰勒给我打了电话 Tyler called me,
给我讲了讲你的经历 told me a little bit about your background.
希望他讲的恰到好处 Well, I hope he exaggerated in all the right places.
我老婆打来的 不好意思 That's my wife, I'm sorry.
-嗨 老婆 -该死 弗兰克 我们完蛋了 - Hi, honey. - Damn it, Frank. We're cursed.
我现在在奈杰尔的家 所有的东西都不见了 I am at Nigel's house, and everything is gone.
他们拿走了我的钱包 我的手机还有奈杰尔的家具 They took my purse, my phone, Nigel's furniture.
那个韦恩是个骗子 我就知道 That guy Wayne was all wrong, and we knew it.
去他妹的 他们偷走了所有的东西 Oh, fuck it, they stole everything!
我知道了 额... 好的 I see, uh... That's, uh, yes.
太好了 That's great.
谢谢你告诉我 我们待会儿在庆祝 好吗/ Thanks for calling, and we'll celebrate later, okay?
-回见 拜 -不 别挂 - I'll see you. Bye. - No, don't hang up.
别挂 Don't hang up!
-没事吧 -额 嗯 没事 - You okay? - Uh, yeah, it's all good.
我老婆刚有一篇文章发表了 My wife just got an article published in, um...
在《奥秘》杂志上 Omni magazine.
真棒 Great.
《奥秘》相比也激动坏了吧 复出营业 Omni must be feeling good too. Be back up and running.
什么？ I'm sorry?
他们大概20年前就停刊了 They folded about two decades ago.
哇哦 Wow.
人算不如天算 是吧 Man plans and God laughs, right? I mean...
每个人都计划地好好地 直到... Everybody's got a plan until you get...
被啪啪打脸 punched in the face.
天 不好意思 弗兰克 Jesus. Sorry, uh, Frank.
对不起 我... Uh, I'm sorry. I...
噢 不是 我是弗兰克 你是... No, no. I'm Frank, you're...
-蓝道 -蓝道 - Randall. - Randall.
对 额 对不起 Right. Uh, I'm sorry.
我们重头开始好吗 Uh, can we start over again?
可以 Sure.
嗨 我是弗兰克 Hi, I'm Frank.
天老爷啊 For god's sake!
卡尔 我只想拿点东西 Carl, I just need to get a few things.
天呐 Oh, my god.
你闯进了我的家 你闯进了我的家@ You come in my house, you come in my house.
尝尝这个 喜欢吗 贱人？ You like that? You like that, bitch?
南希？ 啊~ Is that Nancy? Ah!
对不起 天 你是换发型了吗？ I'm sorry, my gosh, did you change your hair?
抱歉朝你喷了辣椒水 I'm so sorry about the pepper spray,
我还以为你是非法入侵者 I thought you were an intruder.
不是说你看上去很像啊 Not that you look like an intruder.
我不喜欢给人贴标签 I'm against profiling,
虽然我也不会找红发女郎要寿司吃 not that I necessarily would want sushi from a redhead,
我更喜欢亚洲孩子 不知道你懂不懂我在说什么 I prefer an Asian child, if you know what I mean.
我的钥匙为什么打不开 Why didn't my key work?
我换了锁 I had the locks changed.
你什么？ You what?
你不能换锁 You can't change our locks.
-卡尔 -噢 额... - Carl? - Oh, uh, um...
这不是你家 卡尔 This is not your house, Carl.
额 我... 是这样 Um, I... Look...
你穿的是啥？ What are you wearing?
什么？这个吗？ What, this?
你知道吗 额 我给你们留了把钥匙 You know what, I, uh, I got you guys a key.
额 Um.
给你 Uh, there you go.
什么鬼... What the...
连在木头上你就不会搞丢了 The wood's so you don't misplace it.
卡尔 Carl.
这儿不是加油站 This is not a gas station.
你什么毛病？ What is wrong with you?
算了算了 You know, whatever.
我只想从我衣帽间里拿些东西 I just need to get some stuff from my closet.
衣柜？ Your closet?
这 这是什么？ What... what is this?
怎么回事？ I mean, what is this?
我东西呢？ Where's my stuff?
你把我衣帽间怎么了？ What have you done with my closet?
我把它改造成了安全房 I made it into a panic room.
你不能改的 卡尔 You can't do that, Carl.
记住 这不是你自己的房子 Remember, this is not your house.
你看过朱迪·福斯特演的电影吗？ Did you ever see the Jody Foster movie?
穿件衣服行吧 And please put a shirt on.
我最近一直很紧张 I've been really nervous lately.
一直有人来按门铃 Uh, people have been ringing the doorbell all day
问庭院甩卖的事 asking about the yard sale and, uh,
然后我非常害怕 and then I was really scared when I saw the...
因为我在网上看到了你跟弗兰克的视频 the video on the internet of you and Frank
被绑架了 还被开了一枪 being kidnapped with a shotgun.
网上还有视频了？ There's a video on the internet?
南希 你简直是里头的影后 Nancy, you're the best part of it.
你演的非常真实 You came across really real.
那就是真的 你个傻子 I was real, you dumb fuck.
额 我们被锁在里边了 Uh, we're locked in.
你刚是说 Did you say,
注：催化转换器又称触媒转换器 安装于汽车废气排放系统中 利于环境保护的一个装置
催化转换器吗 "catalytic converters"?
弗兰克 我知道这听上去不是很诱人 Frank, I know it's not a sexy business,
但催化转换器就像是迷你宝库 but catalytic converters are like mini treasure chests.
我们把它们从车子上卸下来 We snip them off the cars,
把它们融掉 然后贩卖里头的贵金属 smelt them down and sell off the expensive metals.
比如钯 铑 铂 Palladium, rhodium, platinum.
大多数情况下 这些东西 Most cases, cat cons are worth more
比二手车更值钱 than the junk cars themselves.
你意思是让我爬到车子底下 You mean I would crawl underneath the car
然后剪下它们 and snip them?
这就是我的活？ That's... that's the job?
听着 弗兰克 我就实话实说了 Listen, Frank. I'm gonna be honest.
我可以额外雇人 但我并不需要招人 I could use the extra hand but I don't need the extra hand.
泰勒告诉我你需要帮助 Tyler told me you needed a leg up,
这是我能给的 this is what I got.
我很高兴你在这儿 I'm really glad you're here.
我喜欢 Me gusta.
噢 天 这可.. Oh, jeez. That was...
真疼 That was...
如果你再做这种事 If you ever try anything like that again,
老娘就把你揍到飞起 I am gonna kick your ass up and down this panic room like an air hockey puck!
噢 好吧 Oh, okay.
谢谢您 瓜达卢佩圣母 Thank you, Virgincita de Guadalupe
谢谢您让卡尔成为一个大白痴 for making Carl such a breathtaking moron.
你漏掉了阁楼上的开口 You forgot about the attic hatch,
爱因斯坦 Einstein.
呃 嘿 我很抱歉其中的 Uh. Hey, I... I'm sorry about the...
误会 misunderstanding.
我想我可能误解了你的暗示 I guess I misread your signals.
什么暗示？ What signals?
天 你的腿可真有劲儿 God, your legs are so strong.
我想是因为赛跑 对吗？ I guess it's from running track, huh?
我看到你的奖牌了 I saw your medals.
你怎么找到我的奖牌的？ How did you find my medals?
它们藏在车库里 They were hidden in the garage.
没错 是在那儿 Yeah, way back there.
你真该学学怎么藏东西 And you should really hide them better.
但是 你是队伍里跑得最快的 But you were the fastest on the team,
我不理解的是 but what I don't understand is,
接力赛的时候 你为什么跑第四棒？ in the relay, why did you run fourth?
最快的不应该第一个跑吗？ Shouldn't the fastest runner go first?
或许你不是最快的 Maybe you weren't the fastest.
姐就是最快的 I was the fastest.
但事情不是你说的那样 That's not the way it works.
当你是队伍中最快的 你... When you're the fastest, you...
天 我在说什么 我为啥要跟你说话？ Oh, what am I doing, why am I talking to you?
请帮我出去 Please help me out.
但是我的底线是 做我感兴趣的工作 Uh, the bottom line is, I'm interested.
另外 我工作很努力 And, uh, I... I work hard,
而且我对待我的每一份工作都很认真 and I take any job I do, uh, very seriously.
好吧 Okay.
我得泼盆冷水 Here comes the cold water.
我们只能给你 We can only offer you
你之前三分之一的薪水 about a third of what you were making.
泰勒跟我说了你大概的薪水 Tyler told me your ballpark salary.
你之前过得非常非常好 You did very, very well.
三分之一？ A third?
听着 我也不想这样 Listen, I wish it was different.
我以前在“布伦特塔波特”工作的时候 I used to make high-end five figures
也是拿五位数的高工资 但后来发生了一连串的破事 over at Brent Talbot, then the fan hit the shit.
现在 我的销售人员中有很多人都渴望着这样的日子 Now, I got a sales staff of guys longing for the days
穿着Boss西装 of Hugo Boss suits
拿着上千美元的工资条 and paychecks with commas in them.
弗兰克 你觉得我喜欢在土里滚来滚去 Frank, you think I like crawling around in the dirt
去剪一些冒烟的袋子？ snipping smoke sacks?
该死 Shit.
有时候我看着那些猫咪网站会想... Some days I look at one of those cat cons and think...
我还是闭上嘴 I'll just wrap my lips around it,
深呼吸 去拜访下死去的亲人 take a deep breath, go meet some dead relatives.
你多少岁了？ How old are you?
65？ Sixty-five?
66？ Sixty-six?
总之 Anyways.
像你这个年纪的 要么适应 要么死亡 Guys your age, you gotta adapt or die.
这就是新美国 相信我 That's the new America. Trust me.
我怀念过去的美国 兄弟 I miss the old one, brother.
呃 我能失陪一下吗？ Uh, will you excuse me?
我...我... I... I'm...
需要去趟厕所 fairly positive I need to use the bathroom.
把你的手从我屁股上拿开 Get your hands off my ass.
你说让我推的 You said push.
我让你推 没让你爱抚 I said push, not fondle.
大拇指老实点 Watch the thumb.
你平时做深蹲吗？ Do you do squats?
摸起来像是做过深蹲的 It feels like you do squats.
你做到了 You made it.
现在拉我上去 Now, lift me up.
我有幽闭恐惧症 I get claustrophobic.
不 不 No, no.
你得先告诉我你做了什么 First you have to tell me what you did.
不许撒谎 不许糊弄老娘 And no lies, no bullshit.
你必须如实告诉我 否则姐就留你一个人在这儿 You have to tell me, or I'll leave you there.
在这儿腐烂 You'll rot.
姐会撒点石灰粉 And I'll just come and sprinkle some lime
掩盖你的气味 just to mask the smell.
我... I...
你... You...
你可能不会理解 you might not understand.
确实 True.
看你运气了 It's a roll of the dice.
我之前在海里游泳 I was swimming in the ocean,
在水里泡了几个小时 I was in the water for a couple hours.
我... I...
我得尿尿 所以我脱掉了我的短裤 I had to pee, I took off my shorts,
然后我感觉到有东西滑过我的腿 then I felt something brush against my leg.
那一刻 我知道那是条鲨鱼 |I knew it was a shark. I knew in that moment,
直到今天 我仍确定那是条鲨鱼... and I know it to this day it was a shark, and...
我开始游向岸边 I started swimming to shore,
试着不让自己惊慌失措 trying not to panic.
我看到那儿有一些小孩 I saw that there were some kids
在那儿游泳... swimming there and...
所以我带上了其中的三个 So I was carrying three of them,
拖着沉重的脚步 跌跌撞撞 大声呼救 trudging and tripping and yelling for help.
那些孩子们在尖叫着 The kids were screaming,
我以为他们看见了鲨鱼 I thought they had seen the shark.
但他们并没有 他们... They hadn't, they, um...
他们害怕的是我 一个全裸的男人 they were frightened of me, a naked guy.
从那时候开始... Yeah. My life...
我的生活变得异常艰难 ...got pretty hard after that.
你说的是真的 对吗？ It's true, isn't it?
嗯 Yeah.
真的 It is.
你总是说些 You say all these
疯狂 愚蠢的东西 crazy stupid things.
但当你突然不再扯淡的时候 But when you suddenly say something without bullshit,
姐就知道是真的 好的 now I know it's true and good.
但为了以防万一 姐还是要把你留在这儿 But just in case, I'm gonna leave you there
等姐洗完澡再来救你 until after I take my shower.
噢 你知道吗... Oh, you know what, there's some, uh...
我包里有几瓶洗发水 放在厨房柜台上 shampoo in my purse on the kitchen counter.
避孕药我也帮你装满了 Oh, I... I refilled your birth control pills.
你的药不够了 You were running low.
天！ Ha!
不不不 No, no, no.
不不不！ No! No! No!
所有在看的变态们 All you perverts out there watching,
这可能同样会发生在你们身上 this might happen to you.
你可能死掉！ You might die!
什么鬼？ What the?
我的天 就是他 视频里的男人！ Holy shit, it's him. The guy from the video!
不 这是个误会 No, this is a mistake.
死！ Die!
伙计 你现在是互联网上最火的 Dude, you're like the number one trending pervert
头号变态 on the internet right now.
我的天 为什么会这样 My god, why is this happening?
停下！ Stop!
停下卡车 韦恩 Stop the truck, Wayne.
妈的 又是你？ Shit, you again?
你拿走了我的家具 You have my furniture.
噢 才不是你的 那房子不是你的 Oh, it's not yours, that house wasn't yours,
所以家具百分百不是你的 and the furniture definitely wasn't yours.
停下 韦恩！我需要那些家具 Pull over, Wayne, I need that furniture.
你知道你需要点啥吗？ You know what you gonna need?
你需要去趟该死的医院 You're have a need to go to a fucking hospital,
你会需要的 that's what you're gonna need.
我要让你进监狱 韦恩 I'm gonna put you in jail, Wayne.
噢 你才没胆子叫警察 Oh, you don't have the balls to call the cops.
你他妈一点都不会犯罪 Fuckin', you suck at this crime stuff.
你知道我要干嘛吗 You know what I'm gonna do,
-韦恩？ -你他妈什么都不会做 - Wayne? - Oh, you ain't gonna do shit.
我要朝你扔石头 我在大学练过投球 I'm gonna throw a rock at you. I pitched in college.
就你也上过大学 白痴 Oh, you probably caught in college. Dickhead.
噢 妈的 Oh, shit.
啊！婊子养的 Argh! Son of a bitch.
-妈的！ -我的天 - Shit! - Holy shit,
-你还好吗？ -什么鬼？ - are you okay? - What the fuck?
你他妈撞到行人了 You hit a fucking pedestrian!
什么鬼？ What the fuck?
抱歉 韦恩 Sorry, Wayne.
嘿！ Hey!
弗兰克！ Frank!
给老子回来 混蛋！ Get back here, you asshole!
这又是什么鬼？ What fresh hell is this?
我的天啊！不不不 我没... Ay Dios mio! No, no, no, I didn't...
妈的！妈的！现在又怎么了？ Shit, shit. Now what?
-弗兰克！ -妈的！ - Frank! - Shit!
安全房 车也没了 Panic room, car gone.
继续走 有警察 Keep walking, cops.
我把奈杰尔的东西找回来了 别回头 I found Nigel's stuff, don't look over.
就在后面的卡车里 别回头 It's in the back of the truck. Don't look over.
打扰了 Excuse me.
嗨 Hi.
你是奈杰尔先生的邻居吗？ Are you Mr. Bathgate's neighbors?
是的 警官 Yes, officer.
我们接到他家的失窃报告 Yeah, we got a report of a burglary at his house,
有什么可疑的迹象吗？ uh, suspicious activity.
有看见什么吗？ Have you seen anything?
失窃？奈杰尔的房子吗？ A burglary? What, at Nigel's house?
我亲爱的上帝 Good sweet Christ,
我们可爱的小区到底怎么了？ what is happening to our sweet little neighborhood?
-呃 你还好吗 先生？ -不好 - Uh, are you okay sir? - No.
我已经毫无理智地崩溃了 I'm devastated beyond reason.
亲爱的上帝啊 Sweet Christ.
不 我对那个不感兴趣 No, I wasn't into that.
从没？ Never?
没有过 Not really.
甚至没参加过学校的话剧演出之类的吗？ Not even in a school play or anything?
没 我一直对戏剧不感兴趣 No, I was never into drama.
三年级的时候我确实扮演过一个茶杯 I mean, sure, in the third grade I played a teacup.
为什么... Uh, why...
问这些关于演戏的问题 ...all the questions about acting?
你觉得我感刚刚演的很假吗？ You think I came across as fake?
每次拉里·金说"直到死亡把我们分开"时 I think there's better acting every time Larry King says,
我都觉得可以演得更好 "Till death do us part."
有意思 Well, that's very funny.
你还想听听其他有意思的事吗？ You wanna hear something else that's funny?
油管上有一段我俩被绑架的视频 There's a video of us getting kidnapped on YouTube.
我知道 I know.
你不知道我有多少次幻想 You don't know how many times I've fantasized
能够摆脱你至少两个月 about getting rid of you for at least two months,
但现在我要进监狱了（女主发音似"耶鲁"） but now that I'm going toyail,
没有你我会疯掉的 I... I'm gonna be devastated without you.
等下 你要回学校读书？ Wait, you're going back to college?
我说监狱（耶鲁）的时候 我的意思是坐牢 You know that when I say "yail" I mean prison.
他住在他妈妈家 He lives in his mother's house.
准确的来说是他妈妈的车库 And by that I mean his mother's garage.
我确定杰森在家 I'm sure Jason's home, you know,
可能帮他妈揉脚啥的 rubbing his mother's feet or something.
我们知道你在里面 杰森 We know you're in there, Jason.
-嗨！ -噢！ - Hi. - Oh!
嗨 提加顿先生和夫人 Hey, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten.
我... Is that I...
事实上我并没有躲着 一切都好吗？ Actually, I wasn't hiding. Is, is everything okay?
为什么这么问 杰森？ Why wouldn't it be, Jason?
只是在过去两年里 你们从来没有来过我家 Well, it's just that you've never been to my house before
而且现在已经是 呃 晚上十点了 in like two years. And it's what, um, 10:00 p.m.
事实上有点麻烦 你能帮得上忙 Actually, it isn't okay, and you can help.
瑞秋总是说你是 Rachel's always saying that you're some kind of
电脑天才 computer genius.
喔 她说我是电脑天才？ Aw. She says I'm a computer genius?
真是...真是过奖了 That's very... that's very sweet.
我很确定只是随口一说的 I'm sure it was like a throwaway,
不当回事的那种 你懂的 or like an aside, you know,
"他是个电脑天才" 像这种 只是说说... "He's a computer genius," you know, just like saying...
哦 你知道吗 我敢说她这么说是因为她知道 Oh, you know what, I bet it's 'cause she knows
我的梦想板上写着我想成为一名电脑天才 it's on my dream boards to become a computer genius.
所以她才会这么说的 I'll bet that's where that came from.
她真的这么说了吗 是发邮件 Did she actually say that, or like in an e-mail,
还是亲口跟你们说... or was it to... in person to you just...
杰森 重点不是你 Jason! This isn't about you.
我们需要你帮助我们解决一个视频的事 We need your help with a video of me and Nancy.
好的 Okay.
所以 你们想要... So you want...
让我帮你们俩拍视频？ me to make a video of you guys?
-别瞎想了 -不是 - Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.- No.
我的天 杰森 你要处理的事情 Good lord, Jason, you take the cake.
比这事还要操蛋 It's so much more fucked up than that.
-看看这个 -你可能会死哦！ - Look at this. - You might die!
这简直是疯了 什么时候发生的？ This is insane. When did this happen?
感觉像是上辈子 It feels like in another lifetime.
但其实只是周二 Yet also like Tuesday.
好吧 我们必须得报警 Okay, well, we have to call the police.
不 不要叫警察 No! No police.
这是个误会 现在没事了 It was a misunderstanding but everything's okay now.
只是个恶作剧 It was a hiccup.
你们被绑架是恶作剧？ A hiccup? You being kidnapped?
恶作剧 只是恶作剧 A hiccup. It was a hiccup.
恶作剧 你不能每次遇到恶作剧 A hiccup. You don't call 911
就报警 不是吗 不用 every time you have the hiccups do you, no.
我是说可能你会叫警察 但我不会 I mean, maybe you do, but I don't.
听着 杰森 Listen, Jason.
我们不想让瑞秋看到这个 We don't want Rachel to see this.
-嗯嗯 -她只会担心 - Mm-hm. - She would only worry.
所以我们必须要解决掉这个视频 That's why we must take this down.
当然当然 没问题 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shouldn't be a problem.
但是 这些家伙应该受到惩罚 Although, these guys should be punished though,
他们不能这么做 特别是不能这么对你们 'cause they cannot do that. We'd... Especially to you guys.
我是说... I mean...
我的天 这个是 Oh, my god, okay, that's actually
瑞秋在给我打视频电话 Rachel Skyping me now.
不要接 她会发现不对劲的 We're not here. She'll know there's something wrong.
我们只有走到绝路才会来这儿 We, we would only be here with you if we were desperate.
不不 我想见见她可爱的小脸蛋 No, no, I wanna see her little face,
哪怕只有一秒 even if it's for just a second.
我们可以躲起来 她不会知道我们在这儿 We can hide, she won't know we're here,
拜托拜托 please, please, please.
-好吧 接吧 -讲真？好的 - All right, go ahead. - Really? Okay.
嘿 瑞秋 什么事？ Yo! Hey, Rach. What's up?
我只有几分钟时间 I can only talk for a few minutes.
杰西是个很棒的室友 Jessie is a great roommate,
但这已经是她四天里 but she's throwing her third party
第三次办派对了 她... in four days, and she's...
杰森？ Jason?
你还好吗？ Are you okay?
啥？ 我很好 What? I'm fine. That's...
你呢？ How about you?
事实上 Well, actually,
我有点担心 I'm a little worried.
我妈妈来电了 我试过给她回电话 My mom called, and I tried calling her back,
但是她没有接 and she's not picking up.
呃这个 你懂的 Oh, uh, that's, you know.
因为她的手机 It's... It's her... 'Cause her phone,
她的手机坏了 it's, um, her phone is broken.
你见过她？ You saw her?
没错 他们昨天举办了庭院旧货出售 Yeah. Oh, they had a yard sale yesterday, so.
-庭院旧货出售？ -不是 - A yard sale? - No, that's..
抱歉 啥庭院旧货出售 I'm sorry, "yard sale," what is...
是因为他们在正好在院子里 No, they were... 'cause they were in the yard,
我抄近道的时候碰到他们了 so I ran into them cause I took a shortcut,
在去史泰博上班的路上 um, to... to... to go work at Staples,
我现在是那儿的副经理 where I am the assistant manager.
感觉很奇怪 This is weird.
妈妈总是立马给我回电 这不像她的作风 Mom always calls me right back. This isn't like her.
这是因为... Well, it's...
可能因为她在唱歌跳舞 Could be 'cause she's... she's singing and dancing,
而且还在给某人口交 and, and also blowing someone.
呃 她的生日 Uh, her birthday.
她的生日是不是快到了？ Isn't it her birthday pretty soon?
噢 当然了 可怜的老妈 Oh, of course, poor Mom.
杰森 Jason,
我应该给她个惊喜 I should surprise her.
我要回家给她庆生 她一定会超开心 I'll come home for her birthday, she'll love that.
没错没错 他们都会很开心的 Yeah, yeah, they both would. Yeah, they would both love that.
当然 你应该回来一趟 For sure. You should come on down.
我来打给爸爸 他一定会喜欢这主意 I'll try Dad, he'll love it.
我去买一些郁金香 郁金香是她最爱的花 I'll get tulips. Tulips are her favorite flowers,
我要邀请她所有的姐妹 大家都会过来 and I'll invite all her sisters, and everyone will be there
所有人都会... and everyone will be...
挺有趣的 你听到了吗？ That's funny, do you hear that?
我爸的手机铃声 It's my dad's ringtone.
好吧 你知道吗 瑞秋 Yeah, okay, you know what, Rachel?
我真的得跟你说些事 I really... I gotta tell you something.
事实上 你爸妈... Actually, your parent...
杰森 你是个小叛徒（音同"吉斯林" 一个挪威军官） Jason, you really are a little quisling.
你知道吗？ You know that?
好了 他... Okay, he...
他是挪威人 he was from Norway.
对瑞秋说谎让我感觉很糟 I felt terrible lying to Rachel.
我理解那种感觉 I understand,
不知道谎言哪天会结束 because you never know when the lies are going to stop.
它们接踵而来 But they just keep coming.
让你偏离轨迹 Pushing you out of the way.
全面接管你的生活 Taking over your life completely.
多美的街道啊 What a beautiful street.
你这儿有浣熊出没吗？ Do you have raccoons?
嗯 偶尔会有 Yeah, sporadically.
我爱它们 I love them.
这是你们的搬家卡车吗？ Is that your guy's moving truck?
不是 呃 是 No. Well, yes.
我们想卖掉一些东西 We're just trying to sell a few things.
从卡车车厢里卖东西？ Sell from the back of a truck?
我们想卖掉剩下的旧货 Uh, we're trying to, uh, finish off our yard sale.
用卡车和电脑 For the truck and the computer,
用网络电话一类的东西 总之... using that, uh, Skype thing. Anyhow...
你是说虚拟的庭院旧货出售吗？ So, you mean like a virtual yard sale?
那可真棒 That's... Wow.
是你想出的点子吗 提加顿先生？ Did you come up with that idea, Mr. Teagarten?
啥？嗯是 总之 谢谢你的帮助... What? Uh, yeah, sure. Anyway, thanks for your help...
这可太聪明了 你看到其中的商机了吗？ That's genius! Do you see the potential?
不太能看到 我们得走了 Not one iota. We gotta run now.
等下 提加顿先生和夫人 Uh, wait, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten, there's...
我得给你们看点东西 I think there's something I need to show you.
我亲爱的上帝啊！杰森 是啥？ For the love of Christ, Jason! What is it?
这个停车场修建于50年代 So the park was actually built in the '50s.
后来有点陷入困境 It's, uh, kind of fell on hard times,
好一阵子都没人来 was vacant for a while.
所以我和一些朋友集资 So some friends and I, we pooled our money
买下了它 and bought it,
我们前两年一直在修葺它 and we spent the last two years just fixing it up.
杰森 这太棒了 Jason, this is amazing.
谢谢你 Thank you.
这就是我想展示给你们的东西 This is what I wanted to show you.
我们所有的拖车房都有储物的空间 All of our trailer homes have a storage space,
人们所拥有的空间从3500平方英尺开始缩减 'cause people are downsizing from like, 3,500 square feet.
到现在 大家都普遍在用房车了 These days, I guess it's like that everywhere.
所以你的虚拟庭院旧货出售就派上用场了 So this is where your virtual yard sale comes in.
你可以使用视频直播 You can upload streaming video
让人们可以实时浏览到 and people can browse it, like in real time.
所以就相当于一个在线的旧货出售 So you've got almost a live yard sale,
你可以像易趣网一样投标 but you're bidding, like eBay online.
可以叫"庭院易趣" So you call it something like, YardBay.
我知道这些你都考虑过了 但是 I'm sure you've thought all this through, but, um,
你知道 我很愿意帮忙 我... you know, I'd love to help, I...
我可以为你做电脑编程的部分 I could computer code it all for you.
你好？ Hello?
不 提加顿先生不在 No, Mr. Teagarten no here.
你得稍后再打来 You have to call back a later.
他现在在洗澡 Oh, he in the shower now
用洗发水和蜂蜜洗澡 washing his body with the shampoo and honey.
他有带状疱疹 He have a shingles.
一个兄弟会的老朋友 That was an old fraternity buddy of mine.
克莱德·德雷克斯勒 Clyde Drexler.
我是说 他是克莱德·德雷克斯勒的粉丝 I mean, he's a fan of Clyde Drexler.
-嗯嗯 -波特兰开拓者队球迷 - Mm-hm. - The Trailblazers.
呃 总之 Um, anyway, uh.
谢谢你的展示 令人印象深刻 Thanks for the tour, Jason. This was impressive.
拖车住房啥的 Mobile homes and crap.
抱歉 我有点臭屁了 I'm sorry. That sounded patronizing.
-值得考虑 -没错 - Food for thought. - Yeah.
谢谢你解决视频的事 Uh, thanks for your help with the video.
随时乐意帮忙 Anytime.
天 杰森还真是能说 Boy, Jason sure can talk.
好了 我最好还是打给兰德尔 Okay, I better call Randall
告诉他我要接受那个催化转化器的工作 and tell him I'll take that catalytic converter job.
好 我去买个宝贝露丝（音同贝比·鲁斯 一个棒球手） Okay, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go get a Baby Ruth.
贝比·鲁斯？ A Baby Ruth?
该死 Shit.
打扰了 Excuse me.
嘿 抱歉打扰你了 Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.
你有零钱吗 或者 I... You have any change, or better yet,
你介意我用一下你的手机吗？ do you mind if I use your cell phone?
我这边有点紧急状况 It's kind of an emergency.
一根宝贝露丝糖果棒（） A Baby Ruth candy bar.
哦 宝贝露丝 Oh, Baby Ruth.
我还以为你要"扎克果"糖果棒 I thought you said Zagnut.
-这儿有吗？ -呃... - Do you have one? - Uh...
我去后面找找 Yeah, let me check in the back.
有的话我要两根 I'll take two if you have 'em.
兄弟 冷静点 Buddy, cool off.
我没有找麻烦的意思 I'm not trying to cause any problems here.
你看起来像身上顶着 You act like you got
50公斤重什么东西似的 50 kilos back there or something.
噢 另外 那个... Oh, by the way, how much are...
啥？什么鬼？ What? What the?
弗兰克！弗兰克！ Frank! Frank! Frank!
嘿 我找到加长型的 可以吗？ Hey! I found the king size, is that okay?
你好？ Hello?
加长型可以吗？ The king size, okay?
你再动手试试 混蛋 You try that again, motherfucker?
老子要把你的头打爆 I'm gonna bust your fucking head open.
所有人把手放到我可以看见的地方 Everybody put your hands where I can see 'em!
-趴到地上！ -趴到地上！ - Down in the ground! - On the ground!
立马趴到地上！ Get on the ground now!
喔！头奖 Whoo! Jackpot.
看来是120公斤 Turns out it was 120 kilos.
提加顿 弗兰克·提加顿 Teagarten. Frank Teagarten.
FBI要找你谈话 快 FBI wants to talk to you. Come on.
FBI想找我谈话 为什么？ The FBI wants to talk to me? Why?
他们觉得你长得好看 快 They think you're good lookin'. Come on.
没找你 Not you.
我们走 Let's go.
你没事吧？ Are you okay?
你看起来和我一样害怕 It seems to me you're as scared as I am.
我才不是在担心自己 Oh, I'm not scared for myself.
而是我女儿 For my daughter.
谈话结束 We're done talkin'.
我也有个女儿 I have a daughter, too.
我们俩最大的恐惧就是让她失望 Our biggest fear in life was to disappoint her.
我感觉太羞愧了... I'm so ashamed and...
还有担心... and worried...
别跟我逼逼叨你那有钱人的生活 Don't be bitching to me about your rich life,
你那娇生惯养的女儿 your spoiled brat daughter.
你没两分钟就从这儿出去了 You know, you're gonna be out of here in a minute,
你女儿还能见到你 and she'll have her mommy back.
但是现在 多亏了你 But now, thanks to you,
我要在牢里待上 天知道多久 I'm stuck in here for god knows how long.
是 我是会出去 Yeah. I will get out,
但我还是个一事无成的废物 but I will still be a good-for-nothing fuck up.
这对你来说可能无所谓 And that might not mean a lot to you,
你看起来搞砸也不是一次两次了 since it looks like you've been a fuck up for a while,
但我们只搞砸了一周 but we only fucked up for one week.
我们只花了一周就足以 One week, is all it took for us to...
毁掉她的生活 ruin her life.
她才19岁 She's only 19,
-而现在她... -你在逗我吗？ - and... and now she's... - Are you kidding me?
你女儿已经19岁了 Your daughter's 19.
她应该可以照顾好自己 She's supposed to be taking care of herself.
我的萝丝... My Rose...
她才七岁 she's only seven.
现在... And now...
她只能独自一人面对这个世界 she's all alone in the world.
她无人可依靠 She's got nobody.
女人 Woman...
你根本不知道什么叫羞愧 you have no idea what shame is.
妈的 Shit.
你赢了 You win.
嘿 弗兰克 Hey, Frank.
我是米尔豪斯特工 I'm Special Agent Milhouse.
这是巴恩斯特工 This is Special Agent Barnes.
-诡异的夜晚 不是吗？ 天 -没错 - Weird night, huh? God. - Yeah.
120公斤可卡因 A 120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.
-这可真是个大案子 -是啊 - A hell of a bust. - Yeah.
你们知道我们与此事无关 对吗？ You know that we had nothing to do with this, right?
噢！ Oh!
所以你觉得我们派出整个 So you think that we just send out
部门的人力只是好玩？ our whole field office just for fun?
这是我们掌握的情况 This is what we know.
自从肖普进入美国之后 We've been tailing Shope for three days,
我们已经跟踪他三天了 since he entered the United States.
接下来就发现你们三个 Next thing we know, the three of you
出现在超市的免费停车场 are in a Kwik-E-Mart parking lot free for all.
所以我觉得我们有疑问 你不觉得吗？ So I think we've got a problem here, don't you?
弗兰克 如果你今晚想从这儿出去 Frank, if you wanna get out of here tonight,
你必须让我们相信 you've gotta convince us,
你不是什么大金主毒枭 you're not some big, rich drug lord.
我跟你说真的 Like, for real.
你好？提加顿先生不在家 Hello? Mr. Teagarten no home.
他的手机被绞进除雪机 His phone went through a snow blower,
然后他把自己的头砍掉了 and he chop his head right off.
我想我们信用卡欠300块的事 I guess owing 300 bucks to MasterCard
让警方相信 我们不是什么"古兹曼"夫妇 helped convince them, we aren't Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.
我忍不住去想那个小女孩 I can't help thinking about that little girl.
南希 你能怎么办呢？ Nancy, what are you gonna do?
让她过来和我们一起生活 Have her come live with us
住在他妈的卡车里吗？ in this fucking Perri Winkle truck?
天 这一天真操蛋 God, this day sucked.
卡尔 Carl.
他找到了我的奖牌 He found my medals.
-他怎么找到的 -他是个偷偷摸摸的小婊子 - How did he find them? - He's a sneaky motherfucker.
但是那些奖牌 But those medals
让我想起我曾经赢过 made me remember that I used to win.
我曾经有过锋芒 I used to have an edge.
而这一周 我比这些年加起来哭得还多 This week, I've cried more than I have ever cried before.
这些事若是发生在以前 我根本不会哭 And for things that I would have never cried about in the old days.
感觉像是我变成了另一个人... It's like I've become this person...
我不认识 也不喜欢的人 I don't know, and I don't like.
你想说什么？ Where is this headed?
-我们得去和丹谈谈 -为什么 求他施舍吗？ - We need to talk to Dan. - Why? And beg for money?
这可不会帮你找回你的锋芒 That's not getting your edge back.
那是投降 不是获胜 That's surrendering, not winning.
像丹那种人 他们会利用你的弱点 Guys like Dan, they take advantage of weakness.
我会想到办法的 I'll figure it out.
或许吧 I think.
我敢打赌瑞秋过去经常乘这种公汽去上学 I bet Rachel used to take one of those buses to school.
很久以前 Long ago.
那个时候她看我的眼神 Back in the time when she used to look up to me
仿佛我是个超人 like I was Superman.
噢 弗兰克 Oh, Frank.
你在哭吗？ You crying?
你真的在哭 You were crying.
-真是个软蛋 -不 我没哭 - What a pussy. - No, I'm not crying.
就算是 那也是因为... But if I was, it's because...
我的天 Good god.
也是被你们的臭气熏哭的 It's because the two of you reek.
去你的 Fuck you.
嘿 你有十美元吗？加油？ Hey, you got ten bucks? For gas?
哇 你来的真是时候 老流浪汉 Wow, what timing you have, bum.
不 我们没有10美元来加油 No. Actually, we don't have ten bucks for gas.
骗子 这儿的可都是些高级家具 Liar. That's some high-end furniture
你这个有钱的混蛋 you got there, you rich asshole.
有钱？你可真是搞错了我们的处境 兄弟 Rich? You have completely misread our situation, my man.
喔喔 我才不是你的兄弟 Oh, whoa, whoa. I'm not your man.
他不是你的兄弟 鱼脸男 He's not your man, fish face.
还真没人叫过我鱼脸男 I don't think anybody's ever called me fish face before.
-很好 -你敢相信 - Good. - You believe this pile
这儿的这个鱼脸男叫我"兄弟"吗？ of fish face, calling me "his man"?
我不是你的兄弟 所以 去你的 I'm not your man, so, fuck you.
不不 应该是... No, no. It's, uh...
应该是去你们的 it's more like fuck you.
抱歉 你没听懂我们的意思 I'm sorry, you're not understanding what we're saying.
去你的 Fuck you.
-你叫什么名字？ -威尔 - What's your name? - Will.
你叫什么名字？ What's your name?
科林 Colin.
威尔 科林... Will, Colin...
去你们的 fuck you.
鱼脸男 Fish face.
我们要在这里坐多久? So, how long do we sit here for?
我不知道 I'm not sure.
嘿！ Hey!
你在外面干什么？ What are you doing out there?
所以 这儿都有些什么？ So, what do we got here?
-另一个老流浪汉在哪儿？ -毛伊岛 - Where's the other bum? - Maui.
-我可以买不少东西 -等等等 - I could buy a couple of things. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
你觉得这里是商店吗？ You think this is some kind of a store?
不然你们在这儿干嘛？ What else would you be doing here?
事实上 这是个神奇的故事 Well, actually, it's kind of a incredible story.
-南希！ -那罐油漆多少钱？ - Nancy! - How much for the paint?
那罐喷漆 我想吸它 Spray paint, I'd like to huff it.
你想吸它？ You wanna huff it?
你想吸一罐喷漆? You wanna huff the can of spray paint?
你真是史上最烂流浪汉 You're like the worst bum ever.
怎么 选美比赛吗? What is it, a pageant?
你排最后一名 And you came in last.
-好了 五美元 -五美元？ - Okay, five bucks. - Five bucks?
一罐喷漆要五美元？ For a can of paint?
没错 五美元 要还是不要 That's what I said. Five bucks, yes or no.
你后面还有人排队 There's a line forming behind you.
哈！你还真去看了 Ah! I made you look,
你他妈的白痴 you fucking idiot.
滚开 Fuck off.
别看着我！ Stop lookin' at me!
离油箱远点 老流浪汉 Get away from the gas tank, bum.
去你的！ Fuck you!
停下 扑倒！ Stop and drop!
-怎么会这样？ -你着火了 - Why is this happening? - You're on fire!
弗兰克 给他拿个灭火器！ Frank! Get this man an extinguisher!
你就在那儿站着？ You're just gonna stand there?
他着火了！ He's on fire!
我不需要这鬼东西！ I don't need this shit in my life!
噢 好 Oh, yeah.
躺我身上 Lie on me.
没错 来吧 姑娘 Yeah, get on me, girl.
没错 把我像香烟一样掐灭 Uh, yeah. Grind me out like a cigarette.
对了 让我还你一个人情 Oh! Yeah. Let me... Let me return the favor.
-我可不是个绅士 -你在逗我吗？ - I'm anything but a gentleman. - Are you kidding?
那是我老婆 老流浪汉 That's my wife, bum.
是她上的我 伙计 She got on me, dude!
嘿！ Hey!
老流浪汉 把那些灯放回去 Bum, put those lamps back.
-所以 大概就是这么个东西 -嗯- So, that's the basic concept. - Mm.
听起来像是个好点子 你怎么叫它 Sounds like a good idea. What, you're calling it, uh,
-庭院易趣？ -庭院易趣 - YardBay? - YardBay.
好点子 好名字 Great name for a great idea.
其实这是弗兰克的点子 Well, it's Frank's idea.
听到了吗 老流浪汉？ You hear that, bums?
这个好主意是我的主意 The great idea was my idea.
一铲子挥你脸上会是个好主意 Shovel swinging in your face would be a good idea.
他确实吃过一铲子 He already did that.
在抽一支蜘蛛的时候 While smoking a spider.
噢 这个我信 Oh, I believe it.
因为他是个大蠢货 'Cause he's a huge dumbass.
看他的胖鱼脸 Look at his fat fish face.
弗兰克是个混蛋 Frank is a banana split of shit.
我不喜欢这个称呼 I don't like that.
我也不想承认 但弗兰克 I hate to say it, but Frank is right
有一件事是对的 about one thing.
你有个好点子 You got a good idea.
好吗？ Okay?
但是你必须在应对有钱人的时候强势些 But you gotta go in strong when you're dealing with rich people.
否则 他们会骑到你头上 Otherwise, they'll prey on you.
我知道这个... I would know that...
...因为我曾经... ...because I used to be...
...也是有钱人 ...one of those people.
快给我灭火 鱼脸男 Put me out, fish face!
好了 我熄了 熄了 All right, I'm out. I'm out.
-你没事吧？ -嗯 - You okay? - Yeah.
发生了什么？ What happened?
哦 香烟 Oh. Cigarette.
是啊 我也是这么着火的 Ah, yeah. Same thing happened to me.
-感觉很蠢 -没错 - Feel stupid. - Yeah.
好了 再见弗兰克 All right, well, goodbye, Frank.
希望有火车砸到你的脸上 Hope a train falls on your face.
去吸点汽油 然后抽支烟 老流浪汉 Go siphon some gas and smoke a cigarette, bum.
再见 Touch¨¦.
你确定你没事吗？ You sure you're all right?
-没事 -我也是叼根烟 - Yeah. - I did the same thing,
接下来 火焰就扑过来了 and next thing you know, the flames just jump on you.
你觉得是因为烟 还是... You think it's the cigarette, or...
一半一半吧 Fifty-fifty chance.
他们挺可爱的 They were sweet.
科林以及威尔 Colin and Will.
去他们的 Fuck them.
第六天
为什么草坪上有家具? Why is there furniture on the lawn?
或许他们在办派对 Maybe they were partying.
这不是他们的风格 杰西 They're not like that, Jessie.
你进去吗？ You coming inside?
我想开始布置惊喜了 I wanna start setting up for the surprise.
嗯 马上来 Um, yeah, in a minute.
我有点头晕 I, I got the spins,
我要回去睡一会儿 I'm just gonna go back to bed for a little bit.
好吧 Okay.
这太奇怪了 That's weird.
喔喔喔 Whoa, whoa, whoa.
嘿 如果你是来买旧货的 Hey. If you're here for the yard sale,
待在院子里就好 it's in the yard.
-你是谁？ -我是谁？ - Who are you? - Who am I?
我是一个拿着胡椒喷雾的人 I'm a guy holding pepper spray.
整整12盎司... Twelve ounces...
3盎司胡椒喷雾即将喷到你眼睛里 Three ounces of pepper spray at your eyes.
好吗？你是谁？ All right? Who are you?
我是瑞秋 我住在这儿 I'm Rachel. I live here.
我的天 Oh, my god.
-瑞秋？ -是的 - Rachel? - Yeah.
噢 我听说了很多关于你的事 Oh, I've heard so much about you.
我是卡尔 I'm Carl.
卡尔 Carl,
我想你需要向我解释一下到底发生了什么 I think you're gonna need to explain to me what's going on.
噢！ Oh!
宝贝 我觉得我想到办法了 Baby, I think I figured something out,
我们就管她叫 and we're gonna call it,
"卡尔" "The Carl."
感觉好吗? Feeling good?
紧张死了 If good means nervous.
一个贝比·鲁斯？ A Baby Ruth?
有时候"贝比·鲁斯"只是一根糖果棒 Sometimes a Baby Ruth is just a candy bar.
比赛取消了 但我肯定丹还在这儿 The tournament is canceled but I'm sure Dan is still here.
这必须成功 This has to work.
你也听到那些流浪汉说的话了 You heard what those bums said,
我们得让那些有钱人想给我们钱 we have to make these rich guys wanna give us money.
让他们追着给我们 Make 'em need to give it to us.
箭在弦上 不得不发 It's fourth in goal, no time on the clock,
你来主导 我配合你 you got the ball, and I'll just follow your lead.
"去你的"
别弄丢了 Keep it close.
噢 不 那不是... Oh no, that's not...
"去你们的" "fuck you."
那是... That's...
说的别人 ...somebody else.
你们能洗一下吗？ Can you wash it?
没事 That's fine.
我得去更衣室收拾一下 I have to go to the locker room to clean up,
穿上我的秘密武器 and put on my secret weapon.
-高尔夫球车那儿见 -好的 - Meet you at the golf carts. - Okay.
好吧 那么 Okay, well then,
在那之后他们去哪儿了？ where did they go after that?
我不知道 I don't know.
他们几乎每16分钟换个地方 I mean, it seems to change every 16 minutes.
说实话 我挺担心的 Frankly, I'm worried.
对于你的母亲 And your mother, I mean,
你可能比我更了解她 maybe you know her better than me,
但她似乎有点精神错乱 but she seems a little unhinged.
但重点是 But the point is,
我觉得你的惊喜生日派对 I think your surprise birthday party
是个绝佳的主意 is a wonderful idea.
你看过《婚礼专家》吗？ Have you ever seen The Wedding Planner?
-嗯 -J-Lo的那部 - Mm. - With J-Lo?
詹妮弗·洛佩兹的简称 Uh, that's short for Jennifer Lopez.
总之 我爱 J-Lo Anyway, I love J-Lo,
不仅仅因为她是拉丁裔 and not just because she's a fellow Latina.
我爱她的舞蹈 I love her for her dancing.
我爱她的歌谣 I love her for her singing.
我爱她的表演 I love her for her acting.
但我从来不喜欢她的香水 But I never liked her perfume.
闻起来很恶心 It was gross.
卡尔... Carl...
我想我们不会开派对了 I don't think we're gonna have a party.
我得打给我的阿姨贝蒂... I need to call my Aunt Betty...
好吧 Okay.
我需要120亿阿斯匹林（） I need, like, 12 billion aspirin
和一盎司… and one ounce...
我的天！ Oh, my god!
这个猛男是谁 哦… who is this hunk of stud hunk, oh...
杰西 这是卡尔 Jessie, this is Carl.
他... He's...
我猜 和我们呆在一起 I guess, staying with us.
嗨 Hi.
-我是杰西 -嗨 - I'm Jessie. - Hi.
很高兴见到你 Nice to meet you.
你刚刚 Did you just
是不是叫我“猛男”来着? call me a "hunk of stud"?
如果我是条鲨鱼 If I was a shark, man,
我就直接 I would just...
把你吃了 ...chomp into you
就像吃一只小海豹 like a little baby seal.
上帝 拜托 Please, God.
别让这变成他妈的梦 Don't let this be a fucking dream.
嘿 安迪 Hey, Andy.
丹尼小子 Danny boy.
嗯 Mm.
看那儿 南希在吧台 Look at that, there's Nancy at the bar.
噢 Ooh.
谢谢 Salut.
小俏妞南希 Fancy Nancy.
-嘿 伙计们 -噢！ - Hey, guys. - Oh!
-嗨 -嘿 弗兰克 - Hi! - Hey, Frank.
她是喝了点酒 Yeah, she's having a few.
现在她连楼梯坎都看不清了 Right now, she couldn't see the hole in a ladder.
我们在庆祝一些好消息 We're both celebrating some good news.
是吗？好消息是什么？ Oh, yeah? What good news is that?
一些硅谷的消息 Some Silicon Valley news.
-是吗？ -噢 - Oh? - Ooh.
嗨 伙计们！ Hi, guys!
噢 真扫兴 Oh, bummer!
他们取消了你的比赛 They canceled your game.
我懂我懂 I know, I know.
-白色的球 白色的雪… -白球 - White balls, white snow... - Well, white balls
总比蓝球好（也有淋病的意思） are better than blue.
你们跑过比赛吗？ You ever run track?
-跑过吗？跑过吗？ -嗯哼 两场 - Ever run track? Ever run track? - Mm-hm. Two.
你是说用脚跑吗？ You mean with our feet?
他们办球车卡就是为了... That's why they have golf carts...
嘿 就停在这儿 宝贝 Hey, stop right there, baby.
我需要你集中注意力 I need you to pay attention and to focus,
因为我要组织你们 because I'm about to organize you.
宝贝 我们能谈谈吗 Uh, baby can we talk for a second.
不 No.
不是 宝贝 我认为... No. Honey, I think...
我整天都在跟你聊 我都聊烦了 I talk to you all the time, I'm sick of talking to you.
我想和他们聊聊 别想控制我 I wanna talk to them. Stop trying to control me.
好好享受 伙伴们 Enjoy the moment, fellas.
好了 Well,
我曾经跑过四个人的接力赛 I used to run four-person relays,
它是这么个原理 and this is how it works.
跑第二快的人 The second fastest runner
通常跑第一个 usually starts the race.
那个混蛋需要带个好头 That fucker needs to get a good lead.
-安迪 聪明 工作努力 -嗯哼 - Andy, smart, hard worker. - Mm-hm.
你已经证明了自己的价值 You've earned your money.
没错 Yes.
所以 我要让你 So, I am going to make you...
做领跑者 ...the first runner.
跟我来 Come with me.
第二棒需要稳定 The second runner needs to be solid,
可靠的人 and dependable.
就是你 史蒂夫 That's you, Steve.
你在华尔街干得不错 You've done well in Wall Street,
但你从没有过什么... but you've never done anything...
很酷炫的事 flashy.
-我很抱歉 罗伯 -哈？ - I am so sorry, Rob, - Huh?
但是跑得最慢的人总是跑第三 but the slowest runner always runs third.
我知道你有钱 I know that you're rich,
但那是你们家的钱 but it's family money, baby.
你需要饥渴一点 You need to be hungry.
或许就是今天 Maybe today,
让我们刮目相看吧 宝贝 shock us, baby, please.
至于你 丹尼小子 And you, my Danny boy.
-你第四个 -我从来不做第四个 - You're fourth. - I'm never fourth.
但是第四棒总是跑得最快的 But the fourth runner it's always the fastest runner.
啊 Ahh.
他也是最聪明的 He's also the smartest runner.
因为他知道怎样才能赢 Because he knows what it takes to win.
要么尽力弥补落后的进度 Either dig deep to make up for the lost time,
要么把优势保持到终点 or run just fast enough to hold the lead.
我就总是跑第四棒 I was always the fourth runner.
因为我非常非常在行 Because I was very, very good.
所以 我们来拉伸吧 So, let's stretch.
热热身 Warm up.
摆好姿势 And assume the position.
好了 我喜欢这部分 Okay, now I like this part.
她还真有点疯哈 Isn't she something?
站起来 宝贝 Stand up, baby.
现在怎么办 我们真的要跑吗？ So now what, we actually run?
是的 弗兰克会告诉你们 Yes, and Frank is going to tell you
-终点线在哪儿 -不不 宝贝 - what's at the finish line. - No. no, baby.
我们没有更多的空间给投资者… We have no more room for investors...
-别这样 弗兰克 -拜托拜托 弗兰克 - Come on, Frank. - Please, please, Frank.
你不能相信硅谷的 I mean, you cannot trust those millionaires
那些百万富翁 from Silicon Valley.
硅是假的 Silicon is fake,
就像假的硅胶胸 like the fake silicon boobs.
他们都是假的百万富翁 他们是新手 They're fake millionaires, they're nouveau rich!
那只是个定位 定位 It's just a pitch, it's a pitch.
-告诉他那个 -噢 少来 - Now you have to tell him about - Ah, give it up.
-定位 -别装了 说说定位 - the pig. - Give it up. Say the pitch.
-拜托 -给他们说说那个定位 - Come on. - Tell them about the pig.
-定位 -好吧好吧 - The pig! - All right, all right.
好吧好吧 All right, all right.
好了 Okay.
你们知道有一句习语 You know the phrase,
"烧房烹猪" "Burn down the house to cook the pig"?
如果你不剩多少房子 You don't have a lot of house left
却还有很多猪怎么办？ but you have a lot of cooked pig?
破产之风席卷了这个国家 All the bankruptcy filings in this country.
现在 人们失去了一切 Right now, people have lost everything.
押错赌注一无所有 They gambled and they got wiped out.
我吸引到你们的注意力了吗？ Have I got your attention?
我们... We...
负责帮他们卖他们的烤猪 help them sell the barbecued pork.
人们可以在家在线购买庭院出售的旧货 People browse yard sales from home.
叫做庭院易趣 It's called YardBay.
没错 宝贝 Yeah, baby.
我喜欢这个 I like it.
我喜欢这主意 I like it.
我们聊聊 Let's talk.
获胜者就是... And the winner is...
丹！ Dan!
我的老婆喝得真他妈烂醉 My wife is so fucking drunk.
你的演技太棒了 Your acting was brilliant.
没有你的帮助 Well, I couldn't have gotten home
我一个人也做不到的 宝贝 if you didn't put me on third, baby.
我感觉棒极了 I feel great.
确实很棒 不是吗？ Oh, it really was, wasn't it?
我的"卡尔"计划成功了 I just did a "Carl."
我装疯让你显得靠谱 现在他们想投资"庭院易趣"了！ My crazy made you look good, and now they want YardBay!
我要打给杰森 我明天午餐 I'm gonna call Jason. I need to have something
得给丹看点东西 to show Dan over lunch tomorrow.
好极了！ Yes!
噢 弗兰克 结束了吗？ Oh, Frank, is it over?
我们终于摆脱这场该死的风暴了吗? Are we finally out of this shitstorm?
我不知道是怎么做到的 但我想我们做到了 不是吗? I don't know how, but I think we did it, didn't we?
谁说我们穷途末路了？ Who said you can't unring a bell?
妈 爸... Mom, Dad...
瑞秋 Rachel.
我和... I'm with...
我知道你见过卡尔了 And I see you've met Carl.
南希 我一直很担心你 Nancy, I've been so worried.
卡尔把一切都告诉我了 Carl told me everything.
我试着把它拼凑起来 但是… I've tried piecing it together, but...
我也不知道 I don't know.
我打给了贝蒂阿姨 I called Aunt Betty.
她在来这儿的路上 She's on her way here.
好极了 Great.
亲爱的 是奈杰尔 Honey, it's Nigel.
-正好 -不 - Yes. - No.
奈吉 Nige.
抱歉 你刚刚是叫我"奈吉"吗？ I'm sorry, did you just call me "Nige"?
呃 有可能 Uh, it's possible.
我还知道有一个曾经叫阿道夫·迪克的家伙呢 I knew a guy named "Adolf Dick" once,
-这名字真难 不是吗？ -听着 - that's a tough name, isn't it? - Listen.
我刚刚和警察进行了一场 I just had an amazing conversation
精彩的对话 with the police.
他们通知我我的房子被盗了! Who informed me that my house has been burglarized!
我正打算坐飞机回来 I am about to board this flight,
好好修理那些混蛋 and come home and start ripping some new assholes.
-好吗？ -不不 - All right? - No, no.
他们抓住了罪犯 所有的东西都回来了 They caught the culprit, everything's back in the house.
所有东西都好好的 奈杰尔 It's all good in the hood, Nigel.
噢 Oh.
噢 警方找到肇事者了？他们没告诉我 Oh, the police found him? They didn't let me know that.
好了 听着 我要收了肇事者 All right, listen. I want the perpetrators.
我要起诉他们 I want them prosecuted.
我要把他们送进监狱 好吗? And I want them sent to jail, okay?
不不 奈杰尔 No, no, Nigel.
小偷被一辆汽车、一辆自行车和一块石头撞了。 The thief was hit by a car and a bike and a rock.
这惩罚还不够吗？ Isn't that punishment enough?
你知道吗 即使在5000英里之外 我也知道你在扯淡 You know, even 5,000 miles away, I can still smell the bullshit.
我要坐飞机回来 I'm getting on this plane.
或者 我可以去给你的客厅照张相 Or, I could go take a picture of your living room
然后发给你 and send it to you.
你可以看到都已经物归原处了 And you could see how it's pristine.
嗯 发给我 Yeah. Send it.
瑞秋 我知道你一定很生气 Rachel, I understand that you must be mad.
妈 我很生气 你们不够信任我 Mom, I'm mad that you didn't trust me enough
不告诉我发生了什么 to tell me what was going on.
而且... And also...
我很生气我错过了看到 I'm mad that I missed out on seeing
我出色的父母的行动 my amazing parents in action.
我希望我也在场 I wish I could've been there...
因为你们永远都值得我学习 because I'll never stop learning from you, guys.
瑞秋 Rachel.
上楼去我的衣帽间 现在那是间安全房 Go upstairs to my closet. It's now a panic room.
嘿 变态 Hey, pervert.
我们之前说你们再敢回来是什么后果来着？ What did we tell you about coming back here?
听不懂吗？ Where's the main deviant?
杰森？ Jason?
别担心 瑞秋 Don't worry, Rach.
-我来处理 -不要 杰森 - I got this. - No, Jason.
不要惹这些人 Don't mess with these guys.
弗兰克 我们有麻烦了 Frank, we have a problema!
不不不 No, no, no.
没人可以这么跟提加顿夫人这么说话 哈 Nobody speaks to Mrs. Teagarten like that. Huh.
手里拿的是什么 铁甲军？ What you got there, ironsides?
-玩具枪？- 电击枪 - A cap gun? - Tasers.
我租的 I carry rent money.
我的天！那是警用电击枪 Holy shit! Those are police tasers.
噢 我想要那东西 Oh, I want that fucker.
-准备好接受你们的... -给我一个 - Be prepared to meet your... - Give me one.
嘿 孩子们 你们在这儿干嘛？ Hey, kids. What are you guys doing here?
好了 我正在处理 All right, I'm just right in the middle
一件超重要的事 of something super important.
我们他妈的不在乎 We really don't fucking care.
滚开 你这个傻蛋 Back off, you stupid fuck.
-打我啊！ -你们这些孩子哪儿来的？ - Fight me! - Who are you kids?
拜托让我... Please leave me be...
-吃屎去吧 -我女朋友看着呢！ - Suck a fat one! - My girlfriend is watching!
-他妈的娘炮 -拿走吧 - Fucking pussy! - Take the tasers.
你们把我累坏了 You wore me down.
噢 妈的 Oh, shit.
-你是谁？ -一个水管工 - Who are you? - I'm plumber.
准备好接受惊吓了吗 混蛋们? Ready for some shock and awe, fuckers?
阿门 Amen.
跪在你们的上帝面前 Kneel before your god.
你们太棒了 孩子们 你们俩都是 You guys are wonderful children. Both of you.
好了 伙计们 All right, guys.
好了 够了 All right, we're good.
爸 你给不了我们一个好的童年 Dad, for once, we're having fucking fun in our lives,
现在我们好不容易能他妈的开心一会儿 because you never gave us a good childhood,
你就不能让我们好好玩玩？ so can you just like, let us have fun?
呼 Pfft.
好样的 Nice.
-好了 -我的爱人 - All right. - Ay, mi amor.
-我们结束了 -太棒了 - We're done. - That was amazing.
谢谢 宝贝 Thanks, baby.
好吧 我理解你们的动机 Okay, I understand the impulse.
但是不可以再私自执法了 好吗？ But let's have no more of this vigilante justice, okay?
我们有法律和秩序的 相信我 我太清楚了 We have to have law and order. Believe me, I would know.
好了 听好了 All right, listen up.
我们只有两分钟 把所有东西搬进去 We've got two minutes. Everything inside.
先生 你需要登机了 Sir, you really need to board.
嗯 好好好 Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
好了 呃 All right, uh,
把我的东西从飞机上拿下来 我要去尼泊尔 pull my bags off the plane, I'm going to Nepal.
你是开玩笑的吧 You can't be serious.
我就是 赶紧的 女士们 动起来 Yeah, hurry up. Come on, lady! Let's go.
快把我的包拿回来（原句子中包含了"扳机"一词） Pull the trigger on my bags.
呃 Uh...
机场安检请到B31登机口 Airport security to Gate B31.
等下 为啥 因为我叫你"女士"？ Wait, why? 'Cause I called you "lady"?
你说了"扳机"这个词 You said the word "trigger."
在这儿这可不是什么好词儿 It's not a great word around here, these days.
噢 你还叫警卫 你这个该死的蠢... Oh, you called the pigs, you fucking stupid...
噢 你... Oh, you...
他就是个娘们儿 就是... That... He is a lady, that's his...
噢 操 Oh, fuck!
然后他们快乐地生活...
感恩节 （两个月后）
祝你好运 Good luck.
拜 Bye.
噢 弗兰克 Oh, Frank.
看来我是说服不了你了 对吗？ So, I can't talk you out of this, right?
不 亲爱的 说服不了 No, honey, you can't.
很好 比好还好 Good. More than good.
你是萝丝吗？ Is this Rose?
嗨 萝丝 我是南希 Hi Rose, I am Nancy.
我爹地在哪儿？ Where's my daddy?
你爹地没能过来 Your daddy couldn't come.
但他派我来接你 But he sent me to get you,
你很快很快就能见到他 and you're going to see him really, really soon.
与此同时 Meanwhile,
我会照顾你的 可以吗？ I'm gonna be taking care of you. Is that all right?
他是进监狱了吗？他有时会进监狱 Is he in jail? Sometimes he goes to jail.
你不应该担心这个 你一定很累了 You shouldn't worry about that, you must be so tired.
还有 你饿了吗？ And what about hungry, are you hungry?
非常感谢你 Thank you very much.
你一个人大老远来这儿可真勇敢 You're so brave that you came all that way.
-你害怕吗？ -有一点 - Were you scared? - A little.
火鸡 火鸡！ Turkey, turkey!
欧·亨利曾说过 “当一个人挨饿的时候” O. Henry once said, that "Love and family
爱情、家庭、国家都是没影子的事 and country are nothing but shadows of words when a man is starving."
但是今天 我们没有挨饿 Uh, and today, we are not starving.
我很感激大家都在这儿 Yeah. I'm glad you're all here.
欧·亨利曾经说过 "O. Henry once said,
爱情、家庭、国家 that love and family and country
都是... all together is..."
呃... Uh...
你说得对 我是个讨厌鬼 You're right. I'm a douche.
没错！ Yes!
你就是个讨厌鬼 You most certainly are a douche.
这是迈向痊愈的第一步 And that is the first step towards recovery.
谢谢你 Thank you.
好了 好了 我们开始 Okay, okay, here we go.
我很感激我们摆脱了 I'm thankful that we got rid
傲慢无用的旧友 of our stuck up, useless friends.
我们的新朋友有一点奇怪 Our new ones are a little strange,
但他们是真正的朋友 but they are true friends.
我很感激嫁给了我一生的挚爱 I am so thankful that I married the love of my life.
我知道只要我和弗兰克在一起 And that I know my Frank and I can overcome anything,
我们夫妻就能克服一切困难 as long as we are together.
我爱你 I love you.
萝丝 瑞秋 Rose, Rachel.
感谢上帝带来了宝贝露丝 Thank god for Baby Ruths.
好了 有谁饿了？ Okay, who's hungry?
我 Me.
敬我的新朋友 For my new friend.
这就是我们的故事 Well, that's our story.
弗兰克和南希在杰森的拖车院子里住了一段时间 Frank and Nancy lived in Jason's trailer court for a while.
弗兰克接受了剪催化转换器的工作 And Frank took the job snipping catalytic converters.
他非常擅长这个 He's pretty darn good at it.
他们把房子租给了卡尔 They rented the house to Carl,
他们夜以继日地在"庭院易趣"工作 and they all worked night and day on YardBay.
上次我们去看的时候 规模已经非常大了 Last time we checked, it was getting pretty darn huge.
这一切始于他们醉酒 And it all started when they got drunk.
故事的发生也正因为他们喝醉了 And because they were drunk,
醉倒于对女儿的爱 drunk with love for their daughter.
就像俗话说的 And like the saying goes,
喝醉后的行为都是喝醉前的想法 "A drunk man's actions are a sober man's thoughts."
他们是醉酒夫妻 They were drunk parents.